Dr. Bong’s office:
Deadpool is going insane. He sees lots of bunnies around, and lots of versions of the same black-haired woman. It’s a barbarian bunny-busty road bonanza in Wade’s brainpan and he’s the only one invited. Dr. Bong can hear what Wade is saying, but reminds Wade that he still isn’t sharing anything with him. Bong wants Wade to open up and tell him how he really feels.
Wade jokes that, if he would open up, Bong would be able to see his dinner from last night. He already told Bong everything he knows; so he wants to know what’s wrong with him, suspecting the doctor must have seen all this before. Bong explains that, since he only recently completed his psychology PHD, Deadpool is technically his first case. But, Bong does believe that Wade is suffering hallucinatory episodes, resulting from severe mental trauma incurred over his lifetime of violence as a bloody mercenary. Bong believes that Wade’s mind has chosen these bunny manifestations at this time due to… Bong asks Wade again how he called it.
Deadpool, with a serious look on his face, again explains to Bong that he is referring to the time he saved the universe from a ten-story tall googly-eyed space baby by dooming all of creation to an agonizing life of free will. But Wade wonders if Bong wasn’t referring to the thing where he has a seizure whenever he hears Kathy Lee’s singing voice. Bong was referring to the former for sure, but tells Wade not to worry and promises they’ll get to the bottom of his problem. So speaks Dr. Bong! He slams Wade on his back, hurting him a little.
Bong apologizes for it, explaining he promised himself he wouldn’t posture during office hours as he’s still trying to work through his own issues as well. Wade suggests Bong does that on his free time, as this touchy-feely sputum is costing him a fortune. Bong explains to Deadpool that, by his own admission, his affliction has become debilitating, to say the least. Bong suggests that, if they are going to give Wade his life back, he will have to think positive. That’s fine by Deadpool. He’ll even be Shirley Temple. He tells Bong to shut up and just tell him the diagnosis or something.
Bong explains that hallucinations of this sort are the mind’s way of dealing with unpleasant business. He thinks Wade’s mind is manifesting bunnies during times of stress to process certain impulses. Deadpool warns Bong not to forget about that beautiful woman who’s pouring booze into a gallon of milk in the back of his head. Wade doesn’t even want to know what filthy corner of his adolescent fantasies the woman is supposed to represent. Bong thinks about it. He thinks the woman is an especially provocative aspect of Wade’s ailment. But Bong is confident they’ll discover the true meaning through intensive therapy.
In the meantime, Bong suggests they’ll address the immediate necessity to eliminate the hallucinations so Wade may resume normal functions. However, unfortunately, the medicine that would be prescribed in this case won’t work well with Deadpool’s healing factor. Wade reveals to the doctor that last night, he went for a brewsky and saw a rabbit that looked like Janet Reno pogo-sticking on a ham sandwich! He even admits he’s now officially desperate. If Bong wants Wade to get hypnotized, or eat lunch with Tony Robins or give Joyce Brothers a hot oil massage, Wade will be there. He just wants to be fixed.
Bong concludes that, if Wade truly means that, he admits he does have a plan to treat Wade’s dilemma. It’s a way through which to confront those aspects of his life these hallucinations represent. But the road to good mental health will be treacherous. But, luckily for Wade, the “crash course” Bong designed should be almost second nature. Bong smilingly replies that in order for Deadpool’s problem to unearth… a hero must die!
Bolivia… (the former hacienda of a former Bolivian general formerly among the living)
Deadpool has informed Monty about what he is supposed to do and Monty dislikes the idea of course. He even never heard a bigger bunch of malarkey. Monty wants to know how anyone could make such a diagnosis. While sitting on a pile of imaginary dead bunnies and holding a knife ready, Wade learns that Monty truly is of little faith, and also of even less skin. Wade believes the logic is perfectly sound. He explains that, first, Bong examined his “introspection paradigm” for the last few years, and they discovered that his “spectrum of self” seems to slide into a green zone of acceptance whenever he indulges in anti-social activity, specifically physical combat, which Wade heard is his “gateway into himself.” In non-technical speak, can-kickin’ helps him think.
Monty angrily shouts that any fool with eyes can see that he has gone fruitcake because he killed the Destroyer and hang him up the wall like some sick trophy. And now he’s feeling guilty that the continued suffering of the universe is his own fault! Monty jokes that Wade owes him now three hundred dollars. Wade playfully rubs on Monty’s head, wondering if he ever told him how adorable he is when he tries to act like he still knows everything about everything.
Monty begs Wade to listen to him. He explains that sacrificing the so-called-by-me Messiah so that humanity could enjoy free will was the most horrible decision Wade ever faced. Monty believes that no man, especially not one already fractured as Wade is, could have survived that event without significant mental scarring. Worse, he learned later that his “pal” Gerry was in on it the whole time. Thanks to Monty’s ill-gotten predictions, Gerry knew that Wade would have to make that decision, and were sent in without any preparation. So Deadpool flipped out, beat Gerry nearly to death and turned his back on everyone involved, including his best friend, Blind Al, except unfortunately, for Monty, out of some trick fascination with his miserable existence.
So Monty believes it’s only natural Wade went insane, as they have been cutting the heads of dollies for almost a month solid with no apparent purpose! This doesn’t strike as the behavior of a well man. Deadpool knows about that and doesn’t want to hear about the dolls anymore. But he’s also worried about the images of that black-haired, beautiful woman he keeps seeing in his mind. He knows for sure she hasn’t got anything to do with the Mithras Directive. There’s something familiar about that woman, but Wade can’t put his finger on it.
Monty asks Wade if he truly believes senseless violence can help him get through the roots of his problem. Wade confirms that, as it worked for him when he fought Ajax, Typhoid Mary and even Sasquatch. Monty sighs and has to agree with Deadpool. But he wants to know who Deadpool’s competitor is going to be. Wade has a thought: someone with great stamina and it’s someone he wouldn’t mind tearing into pieces. He laughs. But first, he’ll need Ilaney to prepare the chopper he boosted up last week.
Monty doesn’t think it’s a good idea to keep Ilaney around as their pilot because she isn’t like them. Wade believes she’ll be fine and takes off, but not before revealing to Monty that he saved him from the clutches of LL&L to remind himself that, no matter how screwed up his life is, looking at Monty helps Wade remember that there’s someone even worse off than him.
The next day…
Ilaney can’t believe she’s finally in America. She always wanted to see the country and now she’s in San Francisco. But she notices that Deadpool’s face keeps changing and wants to know the reason. Wade reveals that that he keeps changing faces to avoid someone suddenly recognizing him in the middle of the street. He wonders if Ilaney wants to see him change into Ricardo Montalban. Ilaney, in English, asks Deadpool if he’s going to do something illegal. Deadpool angrily tells Ilaney to stop speaking English and skip back to German. She does as told.
Dr. Bong mentions that abuse of women can be a result of protracted nursing. Deadpool tells Bong to shut up and thinks it’s no wonder he blew it as a super-villain.
Elsewhere in Chinatown…
Wolverine and Shadowcat are wandering through town. Kitty wants to check out some new trick boxes before they meet up with Black Crane. That’s fine by Logan and he takes a look himself. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the Japanese saleswoman (actually Deadpool in disguise) starts poking Logan with a stick telling him not to touch anything or else he’ll have to buy it. Kitty, responding in Japanese, apologizes for any discomfort. Deadpool tells Kitty to shut up and speak English and to go back to her “sugar daddy.” Logan finds that offensive but then smells something familiar, realizing they are dealing with Deadpool!
Kitty is confused, so Logan introduces the “low-life mercenary” to her. He tells her to phase through him, so she can deactivate any kind of explosives he might have taped on him. Kitty does as told. Deadpool freaks out and thinks that now his little Miss Universe title has been exposed. Kitty has a feeling she doesn’t like Deadpool very much. He jokes she will once she gets to know him, and smiles that they inspect his mattress together. Kitty is disgusted. Logan goes to stand between the two. He doesn’t know what Deadpool is up to today but warns they haven’t got the time for him.
Deadpool doesn’t understand why not, since the two mutants aren’t wearing their X-Men skivvies. Wolverine tells Wade to say what he wants and then get out of his face. Deadpool realizes and jokes that Logan must want to look tough in front of his young sidekick, so he’ll cut to the chase. He admits he has a little problem. But on that moment, Wade sees the black-haired woman again and freaks out. He even begs Logan to snikt him apart! Wolverine warns Wade to back off or else he won’t be responsible for what’s going to happen next.
But that “next” thing is just what Deadpool wants to happen. Logan doesn’t have time for this. He’s here to meet up with an old friend of his and warns Deadpool to just leave and to go die lonely somewhere, before he remembers he owes Wilson for gutting him earlier. Kitty smiles that Deadpool is lucky they have to be somewhere. Deadpool asks Kitty if she ever played Street Fighter. Kitty admits she has. Wade’s glad to hear that and gives her an uppercut!
Meanwhile at the office of Alestaire Grunch, Deadpool’s current financer…
Grunch is again busy torturing a cat, whom he has named Laura, and tells it to stop squirming because, once he’s done with her, she’ll make a nice anniversary present for his old, good friend, Patch. An envelope gets thrown through the mailbox. Grunch becomes suspicious, as he already collected today’s mail. He thinks it’s a bomb, perhaps, but the envelope is too small for it, even for Semtex. He notices a red insignia on it, meaning the letter is for him personally. Alestaire opens it and freaks out when he takes a look inside!
Chinatown…
Dr. Bong, using a phone booth, is talking to his ex-girlfriend, Barbara, admitting that he’s helping a patient right now meaning he was serious about the new career. He wants to know if this means Barbara will consider having dinner with him. Ilaney warns Bong to duck, as a mailbox destroys the phone booth and a shop window!
As they jump over some rooftops, Wolverine is busy fighting Deadpool and has the hardest time keeping his cool. Deadpool keeps making jokes about the X-Men, wondering if they still try to protect a world that hates and fears them. He believes they even better stop doing that and start an unloved freak club instead. Logan tries to ignore Wilson’s rambling and growls at him. Wade wants to know what’s up with the lousy vocabulary, as even Elton John has a better way with words than Logan has. Logan tries to hit Deadpool, but he dodges and instead sticks his sword through Logan’s back! Wade thinks it’s time they shared some things now, and Logan, with an evil tone in his voice, agrees.
Elsewhere, Kitty wakes up and can’t believe she let Deadpool sucker-punch her like that. She wants to make him pay. Dr. Bong approaches Kitty and proudly introduces himself to her, wanting to suggest another idea. Kitty thinks she is hallucinating thanks to the punch. Ilaney thinks in herself that this whole mess is insane and that Deadpool’s life is chaotic. She wants to know why she keeps getting involved in it. But, she smiles, “why ask why?”
Wolverine pushes Deadpool through a shop window and snikts his claws into his neck, asking if that’s deep enough for him. Logan doesn’t want their past ever to come into the daylight again, and informs Wade by hitting him or any of his friends is not a good way to have him listen. Wade shouts that this isn’t about the past, but about a woman he keeps seeing. He hears women screaming, and sees the black-haired woman’s face in all of them.
It’s actually Black Crane and his many “girlfriends.” He recognizes Wolverine and cheers at him not to give up. Deadpool doesn’t want anyone to see this battle and opens fire. Wolverine warns Wilson to stop, but is too late: the blast hits Black Crane! Logan rushes to his old friend, hoping the blast went through clean. Crane, almost out of breath, warns Logan that he hasn’t had any visions of the lady in the violet cloak this day and knows he’ll live. Wolverine apologizes for this, as all he wanted was to settle his old debts with Crane.
Crane explains to Logan that the ancient ones have a saying: “the wise man leaves his debtors free and clean, when they kick his enemies in the rear.” Crane points at Deadpool. Deadpool shouts that he just doesn’t want to be crazy anymore. Wolverine angrily kicks Wilson, shouting that his problem is that he doesn’t have any honor or penance. Wade ruins Logan’s plans and he doesn’t like that. Wolverine realizes that both he and Deadpool are both men with pasts that run dark and deep, so he thinks Wilson must understand what it means to lay even a small part of it to rest.
But Deadpool doesn’t listen and instead wants his problem fixed. He sees another hallucination of the black-haired woman and the rabbits, but now they just stand there, like they are waiting for him. Wade asks Bong what it means. Bong thinks this is excellent progress and tells Wilson he’s poised on the brink. He believes his interaction with Wolverine has triggered a wave of introspection vis-à-vis Wade is controlling the hallucinations now! Bong wants Wade to address his issues.
Kitty, sitting next to Bong but trapped by him in some kind of force field, tries to warn Wolverine that she can’t face through it. Bong loudly slams his hammer on the force field. He warns her that he’s with a patient right now and that her time will come. Though he thinks her relationship with such an older man deserves some therapy.
Deadpool doesn’t know how he is supposed to address his issue. He has a thought and wants Wolverine to tell him a story of his past, like maybe the one about how Logan owes Wade money. While angrily jumping and fighting Deadpool again, Wolverine suggest he’ll tell Deadpool a story of his past and present. Logan knows punks like Wilson like to punch and fight their way through things, not caring about the consequences whatsoever. Logan knows because was cut from the same cloth. And the past always comes back to haunt.
Ilaney jokes at Bong that Wolverine sure says a lot in one leap. Bong believes that might be part of Wolverine’s mutant power or something. They continue to fight each other. Bong, while hitting Kitty with his hammer again, explains to Ilaney that in psychotherapy the doctors always look to a subject’s past for indications of present behavior. Bong explains to Deadpool, while he and Wolverine are still fighting, what he means. Wade perceived his defeat of the Messiah to be a tremendous failure, perhaps the single most significant failure of his entire life. But this was the flash point that caused Wade’s mind to “snap.”
Considering all of the suffering that every person on Earth would endure, Wade began to feel sympathy for them, like a connection. Hence his own mind began to reflect on pain it has not been allowed to access for years, like betrayals, violence, various and other sundry mistake a person would make during the darkest moments of their life. Bong thinks Wade’s narcissistic tendencies led him to redefine these moments of pain as opportunities for peace that were stolen from him (as Wade had just “stolen” peace from the world at large).
Like white rabbits, always just out of reach, Wade began to long for the “parcels of self” he lost. Wade tells Bong to keep talking as his hallucinations of the bunnies keep fading away. Bong further adds that fighting Wolverine, arguing his denial of the past, except guidance, he has began to turn a conscious eye inwards. Processing the pain without the necessity for hallucinations. Deadpool suggests that, if he’s buying all this, he still wants to know who the woman is he keeps seeing. Bong thinks it’s clearly the woman pouring liquor into milk is representative of Wade’s own self-poisoning of his once promising life. Deadpool thinks that might be… by the power of Greyskull… Wade thinks the woman is not a hallucination: he knows her. And Wade also knows who the woman is!
Wolverine ignores that and sticks his claws right through Deadpool’s back! Bong is thrilled that his session worked and can’t wait to tell his Barbara about it, thinking he is going to get lucky tonight. He teleports himself, Ilaney and Deadpool away, leaving Kitty and Wolverine behind. Back home, Ilaney wants to know if Bong really helped Deadpool only to get lucky. Bong confirms and wants to know what Ilaney’s point is. She just smiles.
Ilaney notices that Deadpool is really bleeding thanks to Wolverine’s claws and wants to get him to a real doctor now. Bong is a bit offended but lets it slide. He asks Deadpool if he perhaps wants to inform them who the woman is he kept seeing. Deadpool ignores that he needs a doctor. Wade also mentions that the only reason he chose to fight Wolverine is because his healing factor would help the man last long enough so Bong could make his conclusion. He claims to just need a couple of hours watching Buffy, and informs everyone that the woman he saw was just someone who stole his heart a long time ago, and then got dead. Suddenly, Deadpool faints and looses a lot of blood.
(Epilogue)
Atlanta, Georgia…
The same black-haired woman Deadpool has been seeing runs for her life. The heels of her shoes break, causing her to fall. She notices she lost a medallion, but chooses to rather ignore that and continues to run away. As the woman is gone, the medallion is shown to read the inscription “Love always, Wade.” It has a picture of Deadpool and the woman, from before he got cancer.
