(Shotcreek, Colorado)
It’s late at night, and the Mindless Ones click their fingers and proceed to dance down the street. In another part of town, Nextwave stand over the smoking bodies of another group of Mindless Ones. Monica figures they need to scatter in order to contain whatever the hell they are. Elsa replies that she knows what they are. Her dad was the monster hunter, Ulysses Bloodstone, so she learned all about monsters. These are really old. “Learned at your daddy’s knee?” asks Monica. Elsa replies that it’s something like that.
(flashback)
Elsa is seated at the dinner table in her school uniform. Her robot nanny shows her a photograph. Elsa asks why she has to do this every time her folks go traveling. The robot reminds her that it’s because it’s her father’s will, reminding her to concentrate. Elsa looks at the creature in the photograph and states that it’s the Terrible Brain Vole of the old Kushan Empire. It reproduces by pooing in your ear when you’re asleep. Its eggs eat your brain and then control you like a puppet, and then it poos in other people’s ears through their mouth… or something like that.
The nanny throws the photograph at her face and shouts, “No. Wrong!” Clasps then emerge from Elsa’s chair, which bind her tight. Elsa looks horrified, saying her mommy and daddy wouldn’t put her through this just for the sake of stupid lessons about monsters. The nanny replies that ‘mommy’ doesn’t know about her. ‘Daddy’ built her. She got the question wrong, so she should come to Hate Mother now. Her chest plate opens revealing something akin to a medieval torture chamber. “Commmme toooo Haaaaaate Motherrrrrrr!” it cackles. Elsa screams.
(present)
Elsa shudders from the memory before loading up her shotgun. She informs Monica that they’re called the Mindless Ones. They’re from another dimension or pocket universe or whatever. There’ll be a gate somewhere, like a magic circle drawn on the ground. Mess it up and the gate closes. Monica tells her team that they’ll scatter out to the edge and push in, whilst looking for their magic gate. She can’t believe the conversations she’s having since she started wearing the costume. She reminds them not to get killed, and everyone goes their separate ways.
Elsewhere, several Mindless Ones wait for a bus. Others watch American Idol on television through a shop window. Many more are inside a bistro, having killed everyone inside and caused a whole load of damage. Elsa is passing the bistro when she notices what’s happened. She grabs her cell phone and calls her team. She informs them that there are around a dozen of them, before pausing for a moment. Her mind goes back to her formative years.
(flashback)
Ulysses Bloodstone stands on the edge of a pit, inside of which is the legendary, ageless and filthy Blight Beast of Krakow, who he beat and caged five thousand years earlier. It looks like a dark-colored alligator. He asks his infant daughter if she’s ready. Holding a spoon in her hand, she replies, “Blpt?” Ulysses tosses her into the pit and asks her to make him proud.
(present)
She tells her team to hell with it. She’ll do it herself as usual. She opens fire through the window, attracting the attention of the monsters inside. With one down, she leaps through the window and lands on a catering trolley. She sails through the bistro, opening fire on the creatures that attack her. Eventually, she runs out of shells, despite how Hollywood tries to pretend otherwise. The Mindless Ones fire their eye beams at her, destroying the trolley. She leaps gracefully into the air, landing with her foot on the edge of a table. The table tips up and the cutlery is thrown from the tablecloth. Elsa uses her feet to kick the knives and forks at the creatures, and they fall to her innovative attack. “I learned that trick with a baby’s spoon,” she remarks as she lands.
(flashback)
Having defeated the Blight Beast of Krakow, Ulysses lifts baby Elsa from the pit and holds her out to a hideous creature wearing a nappy. In honor of her newfound skills, her father wants her to circumcise the hideous Felch-Monster of Bihar Province. “Blib?” says a confounded Elsa.
(present)
Rorkannu directs a seemingly endless bunch of Mindless Ones from the dimensional portal inside the shack. He thinks that, as they are empty, insensible things, shuffling around making the place look untidy, they’ll be the perfect replacement for humanity. Elsewhere, Tabitha Smith kills well over a dozen of the creatures, spelling the word ‘Taby’ in flaming, smoldering bodies. Aaron tells her that she’s spelt her name wrong, but she’s adamant that she hasn’t.
Meanwhile, H.A.T.E.’s Aeromarine flies over the mountains. Someone dressed in a yellow hazard suit pours some gunk from a toxic container out of the back, polluting the pristine environment below where seals are basking. General Anger is in the process of hanging himself from the ceiling when his assistant calls to him through the door. He informs her that he’s in a meeting with his maker, but she tells him that they have a communiqué from the Beyond Corporation. They have new ordnance which they want H.A.T.E. to clear for testing. Dirk sarcastically asks her to tell them how useful the Drop Bears were. His assistant says this is different. It’s something called the ‘New Paramounts.’
Dirk Anger stops trying to finish himself off and asks if the communiqué mentioned anything about complements. His assistant replies yes - it states full complement achieved. Dirk smiles. God loves him after all. He orders her to change course to Beyond Corporation headquarters and to get a fix on Nextwave’s position. He knows how to get rid of them now. Unfortunately, the stool he’s using to hang himself with collapses, leaving him dangling from the noose. Outside the room, an assistant wonders what he’s doing in there. A colleague informs her that the sounds he’s making are the sounds he makes when looking at illegal web sites.
Back in Shotcreek, the Captain communicates to Monica that he’s discovered the shack from which the Mindless Ones are emerging. It’s a public restroom. She’ll be able to find it by listening out for the screaming… and it won’t be coming from him. He dives at full speed, heading for the shack. First he’s gonna kill whoever’s in there, then he’s gonna **** them, then he’s going to make a joke and then **** them again.
He ploughs through the roof, landing right next to Rorkannu who flails his arms, announcing that he has violated his gate of fire. The Captain yanks a washbasin from the wall and smashes Rorkannu in the face with it. Rorkannu asks if that’s all he has. He insults the Captain by adding that he’s funny-looking. “Look at you,” he continues, “You weren’t even born. You mother coughed one day and you leaked out.” The Captain punches him in the face, only to see his hand go straight through Rorkannu’s flaming head and into the wall behind. This sets his fist alight and he screams. Rorkannu informs him that he is Rorkannu, master of the Dim Dimension, and the Captain cannot beat him up. He crushes the Captain’s face into the ground, but he recovers quickly, turning and punching Rorkannu in the chest. He then drop kicks him into a cubicle.
Continuing his assault, the Captain shoves Rorkannu’s head down the toilet bowl and then kicks him straight through it before smashing him through each of the cubicle walls at speed. Despite his flaming head having gone out, Rorkannu still moves, so the Captain grabs a pipe from the wall and proceeds to hammer away at his body.
Tabitha is the first to arrive at the shack and as she steps inside, she quickly turns and vomits. Monica pops her head inside and asks the Captain what he’s doing. Who is this guy? The Captain walks over to her and smiles, informing her that he defeated the super-villain, like a real super hero. He hands her a toilet brush covered in gunk. Feebly, Rorkannu says, “I… am Dread Rorkannu… and I will return to **** you all…” Monica storms over to him, brush in hand. “Oh is that right!”
(later)
As the sun rises and the squealing noises fade away, a new day begins over Shotcreek. It’s been a strange night for Nextwave. One of them finally had his turn at winning, and one of them even had something approaching a character moment. You can be sure the writer won’t let **** like that happen again.
