(Littlefork, Wisconsin)
Deadpool is at the counter of a service station and he is amazed they don’t accept gold as payment. He tries to reiterate that it’s GOLD but the clerk says he only accepts American dollars. Deadpool pleads with him to have a heart as he’s starving. If he takes the gold, then Deadpool can leave with the delicious microwavable burrito before it starts congealing. Once it starts congealing, that’s when things get ugly.
The old man behind the counter slowly tells Deadpool he only accepts American dollars. One of Deadpool’s inner voices suggests stabbing him whilst the other tells him to shoot him. The first voice argues back saying he should shoot him. Deadpool suggests a compromise and the first voice take it as meaning he wants to shoot then stab him. But his second inner voice says they should stab then shoot him. It goes on to say he shouldn’t rule out a grenade down the throat. The first voice chips in with a grenade up the… Deadpool cuts him off at this point and tells the clerk he doesn’t have any dollars and then gets him to guess what he does have.
The old man strokes his beard for a second and thinks about it. He points to Deadpool and says he has a mask and guns. He then summarizes that it’s a robbery. A voice comes from behind Deadpool, confirming that it is. Deadpool turns to see seven men dressed in militaristic clothes, balaclavas and carrying huge guns. The surprised Deadpool asks who they are as the store clerk triggers the security system. Metal shutters slam down behind the glass. Deadpool’s burrito, which was sat on the counter, gets sliced in two. As the shutter hits it, it explodes, sending its contents flying towards Deadpool. He ducks out the way and it hits one of the robbers square in the face. The man wipes it off, complaining that it’s congealed. Deadpool tells him he knows what that means… things are about to get ugly.
With that, he shoots one of the robber point plank in the head. The robber falls to the ground but immediately looks up at him and tells him he has no idea. Deadpool leaps into the air, spraying bullets at the robbers. One of his inner voices comments that the robber regenerated and suggests now may be the time to try the grenade down the throat. One of the robbers pulls a gun on him but Deadpool quickly takes it out his hand and rams a grenade in his mouth. Deadpool says there isn’t any need for words, his expression says it all. The grenade explodes, blowing up the man and shattering all the glass in the nearby fridges.
The robbers inspect the body of their member and one of them asks where Deadpool went. The head robber tells them to forget about him and to concentrate on the real target. In the meantime, Deadpool has snuck away through a door. He spots an open hatch in the floor leading to a secret passageway. As he makes his way down the narrow corridor, he wonders why a gas station store would have a secret passageway. He enters a room full of guns and ammo and spots the store clerk. In amazement, Deadpool declares the man is an Arab living in America and he is a terrorist… it’s so disappointingly stereotypical and racist. The clerk says he isn’t a terrorist, he is a business man. Deadpool asks him to prove it and the man asks if Deadpool wants to see his license. Deadpool says he would and the man points to a large metal door behind him and says it’s in there. Deadpool crosses his arms and says he’s waiting. The man goes through the door and then closes and locks it from the other side. Deadpool is amazed the clerk locked him out again. He suddenly hears the robbers right behind him.
A few minutes later, both Deadpool and the robbers are covered in blood and gunshot wounds and are exhausted from fighting. Deadpool calls for everyone to stop… he regenerates and they regenerate… it’s pointless. A small window opens up in the metal door and the clerk speaks through it. He tells Deadpool that he has lots of grenades inside and he is more than willing to sell him some for cash. But then he sarcastically reminds Deadpool that he doesn’t have any cash and then laughs.
Deadpool turns to the robbers and asks who they are. When the head of the gang asks if he means names, Deadpool says no, he meant what’s with the regenerative powers and he asks how they got them. The robber says he can’t tell him, so Deadpool asks if he can tell him why he’s after him. The robber says they aren’t after him, they are after the clerk. Well the weapon cache anyway. Deadpool asks if they are terrorists and they say no, they’re patriots. The store owner is the terrorist. From inside his secure room, the store owner yells that he isn’t a terrorist. He tells them that he bought the weapons of their Central Intelligence Agency. They wanted him to sell the weapons in his country but he brought them here instead. Deadpool asks why he did it and he says he can sell them for American dollars. Plus he is an idealist and he’s making a statement.
Deadpool thinks about it for a minute. One of his inner voices says that re-routing CIA hardware isn’t a bad idea. The other voice chips in and says that military ordinance goes for way more Stateside than it does in the third world… maybe they should get in on it.
The store owner says that Deadpool is the terrorist not him. Deadpool replies that he hasn’t voted since the Pepsi challenge. The store owner tells him that he is guilty of doing nothing. Getting exasperated, Deadpool notes aloud that complex political discussions make his head hurt. A voice comes from behind him and tells him that they are all terrorists and they’re here to take them down. Deadpool turns around to see Steve Rogers, Black Widow and Moon Knight standing behind him.
Deadpool asks who they are and his inner voices remind him that he’s Steve Rogers… Captain America. Deadpool says he thought he was dead and then opens his arms to give him a hug. Steve simply punches him in the face.
(25 years ago at Wade’s house)
A young Wade is sat in front of the TV. He is watching a news report that says Captain America once again dealt with the ne’er-do-wells of the world by giving them a thorough beatdown. Wade is in awe and says he wants to be just like Captain America when he grows up. His dad is sat in a nearby chair reading a newspaper and drinking a beer. He scoffs at Wade’s comment and so Wade turns to him and sarcastically compliments his parenting. He tells Wade he does what he can with what he has. Wade says what about encouraging him to dream. So Wade’s dad tells him to keep #%*#%8# dreaming.
(present)
Back in the store, Deadpool lies dazed on the ground whilst the Avengers beat up the robbers. After they are defeated, Steve says they have approximately three minutes before they regain consciousness. They walk to the metal door as the store owner peers out. Moon Knight asks how he wants to do this and Steve replies “hard.” Moon Knight asks Black Widow if they should blast it and she says it isn’t a good idea. When he asks why, Steve tells him that the room is full of explosives.
No sooner has he said this than an explosion suddenly rips through the room and blasts the door off its hinges. As the Avengers lie on the floor trying to recover, the store owner steps out. However, he is now encased in a giant suit of armor, all except his head. He calls them stupid Americans and asks if they thought he would just bend over and let them spank him. He’s insulted. And there’s something else they should know about him… he is a terrorist.
A gunshot rings out and the store owner’s forehead explodes in blood. Deadpool stands behind him as he collapses on the floor and says he knew the whole time. He asks the Avengers if they are okay and one of the robbers groans. Deadpool walks past him and tells him he wasn’t talking to him and then shoots him in the head. Steve picks himself up and dusts himself off. He tells Deadpool they’re just fine. With blood still coming from his earlier wounds, Deadpool asks if they are going to fight again. His inner voices speak up and say they wouldn’t really call what happened earlier a fight. He kinda got hit in the face and knocked out.
Steve looks at Deadpool and says he likes the way he moves. Deadpool is a little taken aback and thanks him. Steve then offers for Deadpool to come work for him. Deadpool stands there dumbfounded as his inner voices force him to answer. After some stuttering, Deadpool swoons and tells Steve he’s awesome.
