Deadpool (3rd series) #7

Deadpool comes to the surface of the water with a gasp and throws his rifle on the dockside. As he crawls onto the dock, his inner voices ask why he isn’t running away and why he isn’t rescuing Bob. He tells his voices that the rifle wouldn’t have worked underwater and that he is going to wait till Tigershark comes to the surface and then he will blow his brains out. With that, he aims the gun at the water and waits patiently for Tigershark to surface. However, after a few seconds, his inner voices point out that waiting for him to surface is a waste of time, as Tigershark is part fish and as such he can breathe underwater… but Bob can’t. With that, Deadpool agrees that it was a waste of time and turns around to walk away as Bob struggles underwater for air.

A splashing noise causes Deadpool to spin around and aim his gun at the water… but it’s only Bob, who has surfaced. As he gasps for breath, Bob begs for “Mr. Wilson” to save him but Deadpool just asks him where Tigershark is. Bob is still gasping for breath and is unable to answer, which annoys Deadpool, so he uses the end of the rifle to drag Bob to the side of the dock. Bob thanks him but Deadpool tells him that he is going to have to answer some questions, like how Bob found him. Bob replies that he saw him on TV, to which Deadpool realizes he must have meant the thing at the homeless shelter.

Deadpool asks Bob how he looked on TV to which Bob takes him time answering. He flashes back to a TV news reporter introducing some video footage shot by an amateur videographer in which Deadpool is seen swinging a machete and screaming “Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi”, whilst surrounded by armed policemen. A moment after the reporter warned the audience that the footage was graphic, the footage showed the SWAT team firing on Deadpool and riddling him with bullets. Finally speaking as Deadpool helps him out of the water, Bob tells him that he looked really good on TV. Misinterpreting Bob’s verbal apprehension as physical attraction, Deadpool finds the moment suddenly awkward.

With that, Deadpool starts to walk away and calls for Bob to come with him. This first surprises and then pleases Bob, who asks Deadpool where they are going. Deadpool replies that, firstly, they are going to get some tacos that Bob will be paying for then they will come up with a way to punch Tigershark’s ticket permanently. Deadpool summarizes that as Tigershark has come after him twice now then there is no reason to think he will stop now. But this time it will be different because now he has a machine gun. “Ho. Ho. Ho.”

(fantasy)

Deadpool is crouching down and holding a gun. His bare feet are bleeding and all around him are Christmas decorations. He asks himself what he is going to do and then muses to himself that Huey Lewis and the Fish Head have his lady friend hostage and he only has two bullets left. He then asks himself how he is going to use the conveniently placed Christmas decorations to save her.

As the two villains point guns at him, he walks towards them holding a Christmas present with a big bow on it. Fish Head, an immense man with an actual fish head and who his holding the girl, asks Deadpool what’s in the box. To this, Deadpool replies that it has big juicy worms in. With that, Fish Head lurches forward, pushing the woman to one side. Deadpool reveals a gun that was concealed by the present and promptly shoots Fish Head. He then turns to Huey Lewis and knocks him out.

As the woman walks towards Deadpool, she starts to ask how he did it but Deadpool interrupts before she can finish and tells her in was the power of love. Outside, as the building explodes behind them, the woman comments that they got down there so fast. Deadpool adds that they got out alive too but, as he starts to say “which is more than can be said about…,” a blood-covered Fish Head suddenly appears growling at them. Before he can do anything, however, he is shot square in the head by Deadpool, who is now sitting in a limousine. Deadpool tells a nearby policeman that he was too slow as Bob, who is driving the limo, tells him there is a taqueria down the street.

(reality)

Deadpool is asleep in bed and Bob is standing over him. Bob calls him “Mr. Wilson” again, which causes him to wake up. Bob then repeats that there is a taqueria down the street.

Later, in their motel room, Deadpool is noisily eating tacos. Deadpool sits on the bed, surrounded by empty taco wrappers. As he keeps eating, Bob comments that he can sure pack a lot away, to which Deadpool replies that resurrection burns a lot of calories. He then turns his attention to Tigershark and tells Bob they need to come up with a plan. As he slurps a drink, he says that, as Tigershark is part fish, then maybe something with a hook will do.

Deadpool lets out a huge burp and then tells Bob to give him his drink. When Bob nervously tells him that he drank it already, Deadpool asks Bob how he expects him to think when he is dehydrated. Bob apologies and then finds some loose change and tells him there is a soda machine down the hall. Deadpool takes the money out of Bob’s hand and says he’ll get it as he walks towards the door. He looks through the eyehole in the door and tells Bob that he needs to scope out the place anyway.

Just then he hears a click coming from behind him. When he turns around, he sees that Bob has a gun aimed at him. Bob apologizes and tells Deadpool that he has to do this. Deadpool guesses that he is working with Tigershark but Bob quickly denies and tells him that he is the backup plan. He says that Tigershark is nuts and that he nearly drowned him. He continues that the guy who sent them is really bad and that he’ll kill him and Deadpool knows that Bob is really afraid of death. Deadpool tells Bob that what he should be afraid of… is him.

A scared Bob tells Deadpool that he is afraid of him and that he is the scariest person he knows and that’s why he is the only one who can get him out of the jam. He then asks Deadpool to promise to protect him from the other guy for not killing him. Incredulous, Deadpool asks Bob if he is asking him for a favor at gunpoint. Bob adds that it was a promise... but yeah he was asking. Deadpool rests his hands behind his head and tells Bob he doesn’t know what to say. Bob says that he can take some time to think, to which Deadpool tells him that he doesn’t really have the time as Tigershark is coming down the hall right now.

Bob rushes to the door and peeks through the eyehole and then lets out an “eek.” He turns round and tells Deadpool to take the gun as he pushes it into his hands. Deadpool tells him that it won’t do any good though. When Bob asks why, Deadpool tells him that there are no bullets and then asks if he thinks he is stupid. He tells Bob that he knew he was sent to whack him. He points out that not only did Bob come out of nowhere at exactly the right time but Tigershark let him go. As Deadpool heads towards the bathroom, Bob asks him where the bullets are. He tells him they are in the nightstand and that he should load the rifle up and be ready to throw it to him.

Just then Tigershark bursts through the door and asks Bob where Deadpool is. Bob gulps and then nervously replies that he’s gone. Tigershark asks if Bob has already popped him and that if he did he had better show him where the body is, as he needs the head. Bob looks towards the bathroom, which Tigershark notices and asks if he is in there. Bob quickly replies no but then changes his mind and says yes. Bob says that Deadpool ate a bunch of tacos and when he was busy in the bathroom he… “you know…” Bob then offers to take the body to the boss but to tell him they both took him down and that Tigershark doesn’t need to go into the bathroom.

Tigershark angrily shouts in his face that he won’t split the take and then calls Bob a chump. He barges into the bathroom, not noticing that Deadpool is hiding behind the door. As Bob nervously looks on, Tigershark stands in front of the drawn shower curtain, clearly believing Deadpool to be behind it. He swipes the curtain to one side and sees there is no one behind it. He then hears a click coming from behind him and realizes that Deadpool has the rifle pressed against the side of his head. Deadpool starts to say “yippee ki-yay moth--” but Bob excitedly interrupts him with “now who’s the chump?”

Deadpool turns to Bob and chastises him for stepping on his line. Tigershark takes the opportunity whilst Deadpool is distracted and he lunges forward, knocking Deadpool down and taking the rifle. He pins Deadpool on the floor and starts to choke him with both hands. A stunned Bob stands in the bathroom door looking on. As Tigershark continues to strangle Deadpool, Bob picks up the rifle off the floor and holds it to Tigershark’s head. As Deadpool starts to lose consciousness Tigershark lets go of him to grab the gun off Bob. Tigershark stands up and advances on Bob, who can only cover his eyes in fear.

Suddenly, Deadpool wraps a sheet of the bed around Tigershark’s face. When Tigershark removes it, he finds Deadpool standing in front of him with the gun. Deadpool simply asks him “Now who’s the chump” and then fires the rifle, sending Tigershark crashing through the window. Bob turns to Deadpool and says that the line is so much cooler then he says it. Deadpool tells him to stop talking but Bob persists with “way cooler”. An annoyed Deadpool looks at Bob, who meekly says sorry.

Deadpool then perks up and tells Bob that he was only messing with him. He then gets Bob to give him a high-five. When Bob raises his hand, Deadpool shoots him through the palm. As Bob cradles his hand, Deadpool says that was for even pretending to sell him out and if that’s news to him then welcome to the party.

As Deadpool points the gun to his head, Bob says he told him everything. Deadpool says that he hasn’t and that he wants to know who sent him. When Bob says he can’t say, Deadpool tells him he will count to three. He then starts and says “one” and immediately fires the gun, narrowly missing Bob’s head. Bob begs for him to stop and says that it was Norman Osborn. A confused Deadpool asks who that is and an equally confused Bob points out that Norman Osborn is the head of Oscorp, in charge of the Avengers and he’s the savior of mankind. He asks if Deadpool has been watching TV, to which the merc replies that he has been busy running from a psychotic man-shark.

Bob flicks on the TV to a news report. The report shows a picture of Norman Osborn and says how he has announced the formation of H.A.M.M.E.R., which will officially replace S.H.I.E.L.D. The report then shows a close up of Osborn and says how he rose to international fame during the Skrull invasion. Bob tells Deadpool that’s who sent him and Tigershark to kill him but he doesn’t know why. The news report then says that Osborn was somehow able to single handedly take down the Skrull queen. Suddenly putting two and two together, Deadpool says “I do.” He turns to Bob and tells him that somebody owes him some money and that name rhymes with… He pauses for a moment and looks thoughtful and then asks Bob what rhymes with “Norman Osborn.”

(Avengers Tower)

Norman Osborn stands in his office with has hands behind his back looking out over New York City through the window. He hears a beep coming from behind him and he picks up a fax which has just come in. At the top of the page, the word “INVOICE” is written in big bold letters. The letter reads:

“Hey, Normie

Deadpool

Ps I killed Bob”

With an angry look on his face, Norman balls the paper up and then presses a button on his intercom. He simply says “Yelena, assemble your team, you have a new target.” So ordered, the new Thunderbolt’s team is ready for action.