The next, the man announces, is Loch Ness, Scotland, back in the early sixties. He’d been on the trail of the monster for months. Traveling through the lake with his sub, he used radar scanning, depth charges and his own personal hunting techniques which, he admits, he isn’t predisposed to share… He followed the shapes and sounds deeper into that deep cold stretch of Godless water. Suddenly, there it was: the latest of a long line of prehistoric anachronisms, a pregnant cow monster about to give birth to another generation of „little Nessies„ to keep scientists arguing and the local economy booming for years to come. He had to be careful not to damage its head. It was the head he was after, see. The scavengers at the bottom of the loch could feed on the rest of her. It was, at this moment, that the torpedoes had been launched and raced toward the peacefully gliding form of the Loch Ness Monster.
Gesturing to that same monster’s head, now stuffed and mounted upright so that it seems to be rising out of the castle’s floor, the hunter laughs that people wondered why later expeditions to find the Loch Ness Monster didn’t find squat! Admiring the trophy, which stands among the countless dozens of other stuffed and mounted creatures filling the massive stone room, the young lady from the Pink Mink’s former prison tells Hunter Joe that she has seen quite enough. He is clearly the man they need to bring them back the Pink Mink. Still interested in showing more, Hunter Joe motions to the head of a unicorn, mounted and hung on a wall and ask the woman if she wants to hear how be bagged it. He specialized in mythical and speculative quarry, he points out. Replying that she does know, the woman adds that that’s why they want to hire him. And no, she’d rather not hear how he… "bagged" the unicorn.
Drawn back to the subject of the Pink Mink, Joe longingly eyes a set of shackles and proclaims that he’s been itching to get his manacles and dead traps onto that blushing filly who wears the pink mink for some time. Taken aback, the woman asks Joe incredulously if he means that he believes the legend of the Pink Lady, who appears when the Mink’s chemicals mixes with oxygen. Believe? Hunter Joe counters. He believes in every creature that’s ever dreamed about or feared or made up… mainly because he’s tracked down, killed and skinned most of them… right about where she’s standing now, he adds.
Stepping off of the grated drain through which blood of slaughtered animals must flow, the woman informs Joe that he can do what he’d like with the Pink Lady… whether she exists or not. All she wants is the Pink Mink. But, she adds, she must warn him. He might have to deal with those preposterous creatures known as Wolverine and Doop. Taking his fur beret and placing it upon his bald head, Hunter Joe smiles a toothy grin. His white teeth and fangs are matched in color with his forked beard but are in contrast with his sickly green skin color, around which flies buzz. Leave them to him, he tells the woman, who is still unnerved by the drain. Straightening his cap with his dark green serpentine-like tongue, Joe adds that he’s got plans for all of ‘em.
While Doop sleeps on an abandoned mattress, which lies in an alley, Wolverine has climbed a nearby fire escape to get a little privacy. Through his telepathic link with Professor Xavier, Wolverine attempts to get clarification for Xavier’s order: He wants him to create a fictional character? Yes, Xavier replies. He is to pretend that there is a character who has studied the Pink Mink all his life and can help him with his research. Understanding a little, Wolverine clarifies: like that guy in the Dracula movie. What was his name? Professor Van Helsing, Xavier states. Greeted by an affirmation, Xavier changes the name for their character: Professor Van Hosen. And then, Wolverine continues, if Doop starts believing in Van Hosen, they’ll know he’s got the Code-X crazies. That’s the plan, Xavier states coldly.
Changing the subject slightly, Wolverine asks Xavier if he can figure out something that’s always bugged him: in all of those Dracula movies… after Van Helsing tells the hero and heroine how to waste the vampires, how come he, like, waits a few minutes before sundown to find the coffin and shove the stake in? Why don’t the idiots get crackin’ straight after breakfast? Then they’d have all day to do the necessary. Pausing in consideration, Xavier replies that it’s a good question. Subsequently announcing that he has the answer, Xavier postulates that if they set off to kill Dracula after breakfast, they’d succeed too easily… and they’d run out of story.
Having descended from the sky, passing by the conversing Wolverine, a small pink dove lands upon the head of the newly awakened and stretching form of Doop. Amazed at the sight of his new friend, Doop places it on his finger and watches transfixed as it perches there. Sensing the approaching Wolverine, Doop speaks to him in his language. Wolverine agrees; it is a sign. Wolverine promptly recoils in slight disgust as Doop goes to work on the dove, causing feathers to fly in all directions. Unnerved slightly, Wolverine asks Doop if it is entirely necessary? There might be children and pregnant women watching!
Finally, Doop’s work bears fruit and, from within the pink dove, a matchbook as pink as the bird’s plumage emerges. The word "Blush" is written on its cover. Rhetorically asking Doop if it is a book of matches, Wolverine proclaims that this just gets weirder and weirder. Reading the cover, the X-Man announces that it comes from a nightclub called Blush from across town. After Wolverine suggests that they make it their next port of call, Doop speaks a few unintelligible words. Understanding Doop’s speech, Wolverine disagrees; if he doesn’t mind, he would feel slightly less ridiculous if he drove. After Doop lets the still very-much alive pink dove go, the two climb aboard their motorcycle and take off. From around a nearby corner, Hunter Joe snarls. Heads they lose, he mutters, heads he wins.
Watching Wolverine and Doop’s progress through a camera seeing through one of Doop’s fingers, Spike Freeman and Guy Smith of X-Statix take stock of the situation. Now, Spike tells Guy, if Logan finds the nightclub called Blush, they know for sure he’s suffering from incipient Code-X fever. Because no such nightclub exists? Guy asks. Well, duh, Spike counters. He made it up.
There’s this guy, Wolverine tells Doop as he races down the street on the bike. His name… he continues, stuttering, is Professor Van Hosen. He’s the all-time expert on the Pink Mink and all its many legends. Asked by Wolverine if he has heard of the guy, Doop, who is not so much riding the bike behind Wolverine as hanging on and floating like a balloon behind it, answers in his cryptic tongue. Understanding his words, Wolverine asks Doop to verify what he has just said: He’s actually met Professor Van Hosen? Steeling his eyes forward with the realization of the meaning of Doop’s claim, Wolverine manages to mutter a disingenuous "go figure."
Still watching from the X-Statix HQ, Spike asks Guy what is Wolverine talking about? Van Hosen? Wasn’t that some crappy eighties rock band? Almost in speculation, Guy guesses that Doop is humoring Wolverine, going along with whatever fantasy world his Code-X riddled mind is conjuring up. The green guy, Guy continues, is going to have to be careful. This is a very volatile situation. Speaking of volatile, Spike says, changing the subject, what’s the deal with these… what are they called… Pink Psychos? Guy responds that they are from all over the continent, from La Paz to Labrador. They’ve been leaving their jobs and families and quietly, resolutely congregating in, of all places, Toronto. When asked by Spike to remind him where Doop and Wolverine are, Guy answers with one word: Toronto. Thought so, Spike retorts.
As they race down the road at top speed, the front wheel to Wolverine and Doop’s motorcycle comes off of the axle, causing the pair to be launched forward. Acting swiftly, Doop manages to expand his body into a makeshift air cushion, upon which Wolverine lands safely. As Doop works to reabsorb his new mass into his normal volume, Wolverine investigates the motorcycle, learning that some "lowlife with a death wish" has tampered with the wheel-nuts. After an angry exclamation from Doop, Wolverine retorts that it will not be so if he gets his hands on him first.
Suddenly, almost as abruptly as the wreck with the motorcycle, Doop and Wolverine leap out of the way of a meat van, which appears out of nowhere, almost running them over. At the wheel of the truck is Hunter Joe, who laughs that he hasn’t had so much fun since he throttled that Siberian albino tiger in San Diego. As an afterthought, he also recalls how uncomfortable the cat’s pelt made for underpanting.
Some time later, Wolverine and Doop stand outside of Club Blush. Amazed at the club’s actual existence, Doop points at the sign with wide eyes and comments to Wolverine his amazement. ‘Course the nightclub’s real, Wolverine comments. It’s what it said on the matchbook, ain’t it? As the two approach the door, however, it opens of its own accord. Carrying a book, a small gray-haired, old man with large circular glasses greets them. Eying the man with suspicion, Doop speaks a few words. The old man, speaking with a thick German accent, informs the two mutants that he has been waiting for them and that they have not a moment to lose. The situation is growing exceedingly grave.
Taking in the situation, Wolverine realizes aloud that Professor Van Hosen… is real? As Doop’s expression conveys the „obviousness„ of Wolverine’s statement, Van Hosen continues. He is ze vorld’z leading expert in ze matter of ze Pink Mink und all zundry periphenomenology. Pointing to a picture in his book, Van Hosen states that "a vood carving from Bavaria, zirca zirteen hundred and zix" is the "earliest known refrenz to die Pink Mink."
Ignoring the professor, Wolverine eyes Doop with newfound suspicion. He’s real, Wolverine repeats. Doop responds curtly. And so is the nightclub, Wolverine then states. Again, Doop provides a curt reply. Which can only mean one thing… Wolverine continues. Without another word, Wolverine and Doop erupt into a fight, grabbing and punching each other with wanton disregard. Their brawl moves into the nightclub, where their clash knocks over a table of two young women. Shouting his accusation, Wolverine tells Doop that he must have made up the nightclub name to test him! Gritting his teeth, Doop spits out a similar accusation. Understanding all too well, Wolverine realizes that Doop thought that he was Code-X. Calling him a sneaky little… Wolverine hauls back his right arm and punches Doop with all of his strength, causing both of Doop’s eyes to pop out of their sockets like in a cartoon.
Both exhausted from the brawl, Wolverine and Doop attempt to recover. As Doop replaces his eyes inside their sockets, Wolverine informs Doop that he was testing him too. He and the Professor invented the fictional guy with the dumb name, "Professor Van Hosen." Following this logic to its end, Wolverine now realized what this means: they both flunked the sanity exam. They’re both under the illusion that the nightclub and the expert are real. Mostly recovered and helped "up" by Wolverine, Doop replies to Wolverine’s theory. In turn, Wolverine agrees. It looks that they’ve both got a touch of Code-X fever. Now asking his friend what he thinks, Wolverine suggests that they should eliminate each other before their conditions get too unstable. Finishing putting his right eye back in its socket, Doop replies to this idea, to which Wolverine counters that he didn’t think so.
Finally speaking again, Professor Van Hosen, now in the nightclub again, informs the two that neither of them is insane. He is real and so is the nightclub. Cut him and he will bleed. Telling the two of them to order a beer, Van Hosen informs them that it will be served in a dirty glass by a limping trans-sexual waitress. Illustrating Van Hosen’s words, a waitress, matching his description, serves him a glass of beer.
When confronted by Wolverine of the fact that they made him up, Van Hosen retorts that they thought they did. This, he says, is not untypical when dealing with the Pink Mink. It tends to engender an uncannily high degree of synchronicity and coincidence. Okay, Wolverine states, they are sane. And he is saying that the Pink Minks really exists? Yes, Van Hosen replies, having taken a draught from his dirty beer glass, but she may not exist in any shape or form for much longer. A wretched "uebermensch" known as Hunter Joe got there before they did and took the Pink Lady and the Pink Mink. Holding up a small scrap of pink fur, smaller in size than a rag, Van Hosen informs the two that only a little tuft of pink fur remains from the gallant struggle she put up. With resolute eyes examining the tuft of pink fur, Wolverine and Doop stare in silence.
In the institute that once kept the Pink Mink, the female technician types into her computer. Off in the distance a boom is heard. That boom is then repeated with a louder one and, finally, a third is heard and felt, as the wall to the room implodes. Standing (and hovering) in the newly formed hole is Wolverine and Doop. Behind them are the unconscious forms of the institute’s security staff. Trying to rise from the floor where she has just been knocked, the technician tells them that they win and to stop their rampaging. She’ll tell them where Hunter Joe’s hideout is. Of course, she’ll tell them where his hideout is, Wolverine thinks to himself. It’s exactly what Hunter Joe wants her to do.
Elsewhere, in his dungeon, Hunter Joe grins malevolently at his latest acquisition: the Pink Lady. Stripped naked, the Pink Lady wears a locked iron corset and hangs from one-piece manacle, in which her hands are bound. To prevent her from moving at all, her feet are likewise bound in a one-piece shackle. Holding up a spoon in illustration, Hunter Joe mockingly tell the Pink Lady that he is so delicious, so… skinable, plump and pretty pinkity that he wants to eat her with it.
Defiantly, the Pink Lady replies that she’s had worse propositions. It isn’t a proposition, he retorts. It isn’t an idle metaphor. He really will eat her with a spoon. Not her head, of course, he continues. And not until he has helped him add Wolverine and Doop to his trophy collection. Turning a wheel near the wall, Hunter Joe causes the chain upon which the Pink Lady is hanging to move nearer to the roaring furnace in the center of the room. Explaining his actions, Hunter Joe informs her that he likes his meat warmed through. Still defiant, the Pink Lady warns Joe that if he eats her he’ll poison himself. Undeterred, Joe replies that he has a strong constitution. Popping his claws, Wolverine tells Joe that he’d better have. Accompanied by a battle-ready Doop, Wolverine informs Hunter Joe that his hunting days are ov…
Wolverine’s words are cut short by the eruption of hooked cables, which crash from the dungeon’s floor. With alarming swiftness, the cables wrap themselves around Wolverine and Doop’s bodies, trapping them despite their best efforts. His arms crossed in confidence, Hunter Joe tells Wolverine and Doop that they sure took their time. He then asks them to let him show them a technique he developed while hunting the Mexican wolf-woman… and one he picked up at Club Med. With these words, the cables are charges with electricity, frying the captive Wolverine and Doop.
(later)
Back to back, Wolverine and Doop are bound together by a chain that wraps around them. His head lowered in shame, Wolverine tells his friend that, maybe, if they’d been more honest with each other, they wouldn’t find themselves in this predicament. A little remorseful himself, Doop replies with a similarly toned admission. Wolverine agrees. Grinning wryly, he asks Doop if he knows what he’d give anything for? One night with her, the pink chick. Just one night, then he’d be happy.
Appearing out of a doorway, Hunter Joe informs Wolverine that he’ll spend many nights right beside her… well, at least his head will. Wolverine and Doop look on at Hunter Joe, who appears upside down to them. Actually, it is they who are now hanging upside down, suspended from the ceiling by the same chain that binds them. In Joe’s hands, he holds a handheld circular saw, which he turns on. Wolverine braces for the sharp pain of the saw at his throat but the pain does not come. Instead, Joe is distracted by a loud crash. Turning toward the sound, Joe rhetorically asks what it is. To his surprise, as well as to both Wolverine and Doop, the dungeon is quickly filled with the naked and very pink bodies of the Pink Psychos.
Like characters drifting in a pointless plot line, the Pink Psychos, who are low-level mutants that act as a kind of zeitgeist barometer, have found a purpose at last and are suddenly motivated. Using that motivation, they attach Hunter Joe and overwhelm him with their numbers. Taking advantage of Hunter Joe’s predicament, Doop extends his tongue to the dungeon floor, where it wraps around the handle of Joe’s circular saw. Instructed by Wolverine to be careful, Doop turns on the saw and proceeds to cut through the chain that holds them. Once free, Wolverine and Doop make good their escape with the Pink Lady and the Pink Mink, while the Pink Psychos continues to tear apart the very helpless Hunter Joe.
At Club Blush, Professor Van Hosen tells Wolverine and Doop, in his thick accent, that it is not so surprising that the Pink Psychos saved them… though it is best not to ask how or why the pink ones did this. They dance to a different tune, he continues, "vun played by ze myzteriouz Pink Mink." Which he still has to take back, Wolverine tells the group. His reputation depends on it. Sitting between Wolverine and Professor Van Hosen at their circular table, the Pink Lady smiles coolly. Clad only in the Pink Mink, she lounges in her chair like it was an erotic action, eying her cognac glass, which is cradled in her hand. Her hair seems to float above her head like a stationary luminous pink cloud. Across the table and "sitting" between Van Hosen and Wolverine, Doop lays his "head" on his arms, which he has crossed on the table.
Knowing that Wolverine was speaking more to her more than the rest of the room, the Pink Lady changes the subject, asking Wolverine to remind her what he was saying about spending the night with her? As Wolverine begins to stutter uncharacteristically, the Pink Lady continues her offensive, moving in close to him and playing with his cheek with a lithe finger. Sexily, she asks him if he knows what happens when the Mink is locked away again and its magical chemicals are no longer mixing with the air? Answering her own question, she tells Wolverine that she slips back into mythical, semi-real status. He wouldn’t want that, would he? Where’s the fun in that? Echoing her thoughts and words, a few strands of the Pink Lady’s hair separates from her hair’s mass and contorts until it forms the outline of a heart.
Seeing Wolverine’s love-struck demeanor, Doop leans into his friend’s ear and speaks a few words. Not liking Doop’s apparent intentions, Wolverine tells him to back off and not even try to compete; he ain’t her type. Incensed by Wolverine’s tone, Doop exclaims another set of incomprehensible statements and launches into a brawl with Wolverine, who pops his claws in response. Shrugging her shoulders in a "whatever to do" tone, the Pink Lady innocently tells the two "boys" to not fight over her. She’d hate top come between best buddies. Still, the fight continues, knocking over the table. Now without a place to sit, the Pink Lady and Professor Van Hosen rise, dusting themselves off.
As the whomping, slicing, bludgeoning and dicing continue, the Pink Lady tells Van Hosen that, if the two can’t make up their minds, it looks like she will have to look for her entertainment elsewhere. Asked by the Pink Lady if he would like to join her, the professor smiles from behind his thick glasses and exclaims that he would be delighted. In fact, he has some very groundbreaking anthropological theories that he’d like to run past her… "over a game uv scvabble und a bottle of liebfraumilch." Sounds wild, the Pink Lady says as she accompanies the professor out of the bar.
The two are halted by the deliberate sound of a throat clearing. Looking back, the two see that Wolverine and Doop, both worse for the wear from the brawl, have ceased hostilities. Asked by the Pink Lady if they have settled their differences, Wolverine replies that they realized that they were fighting over nothing. It was just a simple misunderstanding. See, Wolverine continues, he thought that they both wanted to spend a night of passion with her. But, his pal Doop here, it ain’t her he’s got the hots for… it’s that pink thing ‘round her neck. Surprised by this revelation, the Pink Lady closes one eye, almost in consideration of whether she has been insulted or not. Meanwhile, Doop looks longingly at the Pink Mink she is wearing.
The next morning, Wolverine, clad only in a bathrobe, stands on the balcony outside his and the Pink Lady’s room, enjoying the sun’s first rays. Inside the room, the Pink Lady stirs from the bed as she watches Wolverine. She admires how he glows and how his side-whiskers seem a little more bristly today and how his claws snkk with a little more snap than they did eight hours ago. Rising from the bed she shared the night with Wolverine in, the Pink Lady takes the covers off of it, wrapping her naked body in a makeshift toga and proceeds to join Wolverine on the balcony.
Shortly, they are joined by Doop, who, like Wolverine, is dressed in a bathrobe and sports a satisfied grin. Seeing this, Wolverine tells Doop that it seems like the both had the night of their lives. Noticing that Doop is concealing something behind his back, Wolverine asks what it is. With a few words and wide grin and eyes, Doop reveals not one Pink Mink, but two. Asked by the Pink Lady what Doop said, Wolverine informs her that, while Doop didn’t go into detail (thank God), the Pink Mink asexually reproduced. Ech, the Pink Lady exclaims. Disgusting! Maybe, Wolverine states, but it means he can take the copy back and keep his reputation, and she can keep the original Pink Mink! All thanks to Doop! Asking God to bless him, the Pink Lady gives Doop a kiss.
(later)
Addressing him as "Mr. Wolverine," the technician tells him that they at the institute cannot thank him enough for returning the Pink Mink. Watching the second Mink swirl around inside the containment sphere, Wolverine suggests that next time they have a little faith and don’t go running to sadistic losers like Hunter Joe. Apologizing profusely, the technician tells Wolverine that he is right. Changing the subject abruptly with a stammer, the technician abruptly asks Wolverine if he would like to go out to dinner… a peace offering? Brushing her off equally as abruptly, Wolverine tells her maybe another time.
A little later, back at the X-Statix HQ, the team lounges around the pool. Half submerged in the swimming pool, Guy asks Doop if he is sure that Logan is free from any signs or symptoms of Code-X. At the pools edge, Doop lies on a beach towel, shades on his eyes and a cold mixed drink sitting on his stomach. Behind him, Dead Girl attempts to rub sunscreen lotion on his head, but is distracted by Vivisector trying to sneak a DOA tag on her toe. Answered by Doop in his cryptic language, Guy replies that that’s a relief. Noticing something a little different about his teammate, Guy informs Doop that he seems a little greener and asks what has he been up to? With a single eye, Doop glances over the rim of his sunglasses, eying Guy with a knowing stare.
A little later, in his den, Doop lounges in a recliner chair. On his television screen, which doubles as a communications monitor, he sees the image of Wolverine. Wolverine informs Doop that it is the same with him; he told Professor Xavier that he was clear of the Code-X stuff. Realizing something, Wolverine asks Doop if he knows if Hunter Joe’s body was ever found. Receiving a short reply from Doop, Wolverine shrugs it off; it’ll show. With this, Wolverine tells his buddy so long and cuts off the communication.
Although the monitor is off, Doop continues to look ahead, a wry grin on his face. The grin turns into a beaming smile as he reclines the chair more and looks at the wall high above him. Protruding from a mount is the inert and severed form of Hunter Joe’s head. His eyes are wide in horror and his jaw dropped in a fear filled expression. Raising his glass in salute, Doop offers a toast to the fallen enemy. Almost in answer, a swirl of pink wafts through the air, much to Doop’s surprise. After it is gone, however, Doop’s smile returns as well as his knowing expression.
