The Hudson Bay shoreline, a giant white beast rampages through the snow-covered forest, unaware that he is being followed by the X-Man and Avenger known as Wolverine. As Wolverine points out, most people will tell you that the beast - the Wendigo - is an urban myth - Canada’s answer to Bigfoot. But Wolverine knows better. Wolverine knows that the beast is close to ten feet tall and weighs two thousand pounds, oh, and that’ he’s hungry. The Wendigo is always hungry. A snowcat growls as the Wendigo runs past it. Wolverine knows that Wendigo is hungry for one thing, always the same thing - human flesh. Good a reason as any to keep quiet, and downwind of course.
Wolverine, who is the best there is at what he does, leaps from tree to tree, following the beast - a beast he is familiar with, having fought various incarnations of it over the years. However, when it comes to the Wendigo, Wolverine has learned that it is best not to do it alone. Logan, as Wolverine is sometimes known, does the smart thing and waits for backup, keeping an eye on the Wendigo to make sure it doesn’t come across any campers - but too late!
Logan sees the campfire about two hundred yards from his present location. ‘Might as well be ringing a flaming dinner bell!’ Wolverine says about the lone camper not to far ahead. Wolverine notices Wendigo pick up the camper’s scent, ‘So much for the not-going-it-alone plan!’ Wolverine mutters as he leaps from the tree, hoping that he can close the distance between he and the Wendigo.
The camper sits beside their fire and sings the song “Bingo”, when suddenly the Wendigo leaps at the camper, knocking them off their chair. The Wendigo picks the camper up as Wolverine closes in on them, thinking that he knows that scent - Syntha-Derm - which is the artificial flesh that SHIELD uses for their Life Model Decoy’s, or LMD’s, and all of their cheesy “Mission Impossible” masks. Wolverine lands on the snow and the Wendigo turns from the “camper” to Wolverine, who asks the beast if it remembers him. ’Don’t worry’ Wolverine tells it. ’I’m not here to spoil your dinner!’
Logan smirks before telling the beast ’But that’s mainly ’cause what you’re holding ain’t dinner! The Wendigo turns to the camper, who suddenly begins to burst from their clothing, ’It’s bait…ain’t that right, She-Hulk?’ Wolverine exclaims as the Jade Giantess reveals herself. ’Geez, way to spoil me big reveal, Wolvie!’ Jennifer Walters a.k.a. the She-Hulk exclaims to her friend as she thumps the Wendigo on the head, before asking Wolverine what he is doing here.
She-Hulk asks Wolverine if SHIELD brought him in on this one also, to which he smiles and replies that actually he got a call from a Sarcee Indian friend of his. She-Hulk asks Logan if he is just going to stand there, or if he is going to join the “party” also. ‘Lady…I thought you’d never ask!’ Wolverine exclaims, unsheathing his claws before leaping onto the Wendigo as She-Hulk kicks it in the back.
8 Klicks away, at SHIELD’s security perimeter, Cheesecake exclaims that, according to their files, even the real Hulk hasn’t fared that well against the Wendigo, and suggests that they should be in there watching She-Hulk’s back. Crimson tells Cheesecake that it is easy for her to sat, as she is just an LMD - a machine - but when the rest of them get torn apart, they are harder to put back together, so he thinks She-Hulk should soften the Wendigo up first. Quartermain turns to Cheesecake and regrets that he has to agree with Crimson in this one, Wendigo is out of their league.
Cheesecake points out that they are Hulkbusters, to which Quartermain replies ‘In name only, Cheesecake, I think we all know who the muscle is in this outfit…’. Another agent approaches Quartermain and informs him that they have a situation with some of the locals. Quartermain, Cheesecake and Crimson go down to the edge of the perimeter, and Quartermain introduces himself, asking how he can help them. ‘I believe there’s been a misunderstanding. We’re here to help you!’ a young Native American woman proclaims, before introducing herself as Elizabeth Twoyoungmen, formerly of Department H.
The former powerhouse of Alpha Flight informs the SHIELD agents that she and others of the Tsuu T’ina Nation, the Sarcee, are here to assist Wolverine in the capture of the great forest spirit. ‘Yeah? Under whose authority?’ Quartermain asks, unimpressed. ‘Authority? I am the protector of these lands! Of this realm!’ Elizabeth exclaims, before summoning up her powers and revealing a new costume, ‘I am the TALISMAN!’ Quartermain tells Talisman that she put on a nice show, but that until he sees something in writing, she will have to cool her heels here like everybody else. ‘You’re kidding, right?’ replies one of the most powerful sorcereresses on Earth.
‘WENDIGO’ roars the beast as it tosses Wolverine and She-Hulk into some trees. Their bodies tangled, She-Hulk rubs her head, telling Wolverine that he almost gave her a concussion, ‘That’s some hard skull ya got there!’ she adds. Logan tells She-Hulk that it is his adamantium, the hardest substance on Earth, explaining that every bone in his body is laced with it. ‘Really? Every bone?’ She-Hulk asks wide-eyed, when suddenly Wolverine tells her to look out, but it’s too late, as Wendigo rushes up and slashes She-Hulk across the stomach.
‘Flaming novice!’ Logan exclaims, telling Jennifer that she had to be cute, didn’t she, then telling her that this is serious, before asking if she is going to be okay. ‘ Yeah…just give me a minute…’ She-Hulk replies, before falling to the snow, leaving Wolverine to battle Wendigo alone.
Meanwhile, in New York, at the law offices of Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzburg & Holloway. ‘You’re dead! Y’hear me? You’re dead to me, Book! I’m getting me a new lawyer!’ exclaims the White Rabbit as she storms out of Book’s office. ‘Nut, Mrs. Dogson…’ Book begins to protest, to which the White Rabbit holds her hand up and declares that she is late enough as it is. ‘Late for a very important date!’
Mallory Book returns to her desk and mumbles ‘That makes two - I should have been out of here hours ago!’ But instead, it has been one thing after another, client after client firing her, Lord only knows why! Mallory presses her intercom and calls out to Dottie, asking who they have lined up for tomorrow. A voice replies ‘Nobody. They all cancelled!’ Mallory storms out of her office, asking Dottie what she means they have all cancelled. ‘Ah…you’re a monkey!’ Mallory exclaims as she enters Dottie’s work area, and instead of seeing Dottie sees, well, a monkey.
Telephone between his head and shoulders and busy writing notes, the “monkey” replies that he is actually a chimpanzee, and introduces himself as Mr. Bobo, and that he is Mr. Zix’s new secretary. Mallory asks what happened to Dottie, to which Mr. Bobo replies that he doesn’t know. Mallory storms over and bangs on Mr. Zix’s door, telling him to get out here now. Zix replies that he needs one second, as he has to put his face on. ‘Put his face on? What is he? A girl?’ Mallory mutters, when suddenly Mr. Zix opens the door and addressing Mallory as Ms. Book, tells her that he has no time for her now, as he has a big meeting with important clients - he then slams the door on her.
Back inside his office, Mr. Zix apologizes for the interruption, assuring his client that it will not happen again. A voice booms ‘We are displeased, Zix. Most displeased. You were to alert us each and every time that She-Hulk made contact with…a Watcher!’. Zix protests that he has, to which the voice replies is lies, falsehoods and deception, before asking Zix to explain this image which appears on a screen, the voice informs Zix that the image of She-Hulk and the Watcher was taken from an Earth broadcast.
Zix informs the voice that the image is from the Black Panther’s wedding in Wakanda, explaining that he couldn’t sneak a recording device there, as the security was too great and he would have been discovered. ‘Is that your excuse now?’ the voice asks, before demanding to know why Zix is not recording She-Hulk why she is with this “SHIELD” agency. Zix begins to protest, to which the voice shouts ‘Unacceptable!’ and sends a shock of energy surging through Zix.
‘That’s it! This place has officially gone to Hell!’ Mallory exclaims, muttering that Holloway is still out and Walters has flown the coop, not to mention no one has seen Pug or Andy on weeks. ‘And as for Stu…’ she begins, until someone else interrupts, ‘Stu, please!’ he mumbles. Another man holds up copies of comic books, Stan Lee meets Spider-Man and Avengers & Power Pack and exclaims that they can’t figure out how they fit into continuity. ‘How the @#*% should I know?’ a blond man remarks.
Mallory remarks that Stu is completely useless, before pointing out that Dottie has gone now too. She begins to say that the only person she can depend on is - when she is interrupted, ‘Evening, Miss Mallory! And handsome man exclaims. Mallory smiles, ‘Matthew Hawk the Two-Gun Kid - and in his Sunday best no less!’, before asking him if he is ready for their first date. ‘Darn tootin!’ Matt replies, holding up some tickets and telling Mallory that he thought he would treat her to a fancy dinner and a show. Mallory asks what is playing, to which Matt replies ‘A li’l Shakespeare’. ‘”All’s Well That End’s Well”?’ Mallory asks. Two-Gun Kid replies that, actually, it is A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Back along the Hudson Bay Shoreline, She-Hulk lies on the snow, when a voice calls to her. She looks up and sees an illusory figure standing before her. ‘Jen Walters?’ she asks. Jennifer Walters tells She-Hulk to go to the Dagobah System. ‘Whuh?’ She-Hulk replies, confused. ‘Hello? Popp culture reference? From Empire?’ Jennifer exclaims, reminding She-Hulk that they have seen it a hundred times. ‘What do you mean “we”? What’re you doing here?’ She-Hulk asks, to which Jennifer replies ‘Giving you a wake-up call!’
Jennifer tells She-Hulk that she is blowing it, ‘Seriously, what are you doing with our life?’ Jen exclaims, pointing out that they had a good thing going at the law firm, cool cases, good friends, really interesting stuff. ‘And now you’re throwing it all away for this mindless super hero crap!’ She-Hulk looks at “herself” and tells her to stop talking like they are different people. ‘We’re not! I’m Jen Walters!’ she exclaims. Jennifer looks at She-Hulk in a patronizing way, ‘Well, duh. But right now, you’re She-Hulk. And by the way?…When you’re She-Hulk, you have a healing factor. Get up. You’re fine!’
She-Hulk looks at herself, ‘I’m all right!’ she exclaims, before looking around, and Wolverine calls out to her, ‘Any time now!’ as the Wendigo races towards him. ‘I’m coming!’ She-Hulk shouts, and races over, smashing into Wendigo and knocking him back as she tells Wolverine that there is no need to get his yellow panties in a bunch. ‘Not bad’ Wolverine replies as he remarks that he thought She-Hulk was taking a powder.
She-Hulk replies that she is okay, as she has a healing factor. Wolverine motions to the wounds on his chest that are healing before his eyes and tells She-Hulk to join the club, before remarking that there is a problem, as ‘You-know-who’ and points at Wendigo, who proceeds to lunge at them again. ‘This might take a while’ Wolverine and She-Hulk remark in unison.
Back at the SHIELD perimeter, Talisman exclaims ‘For the last time, let me through! My friend has need of me…and my magical skills!’ Addressing her as “Ms. Twoyoungmen” Crimson introduces himself, explaining that he is a follower of Cyttorak, and head of SHIELD’s magic-ops division, before boasting that he can assure her that he possesses more than enough enchantments to contain the beast. ‘And I know the spell that can cure him!’ Talisman reveals. ‘Really? Well, that’s got me beat’ Crimson mutters, before turning to Quartermain and asking him what he thinks.
Quartermain replies that he will check with the boss, and radios back to command, informing his superior that they might have a chance to neutralize the threat. ‘Negative. We need this creature contained. Is that understood?’ Quartermain’s boss replies. ‘You heard the main. Hold the line!’ Quartermain exclaims, to which an angry Talisman cries ‘FOOLS!’ and tells the SHIELD officers that they have no idea of the forces at work here. Power surges around Talisman as she announces that the Wendigo is power incarnate, raw fury made flesh. ‘Strike him down, and he shall only rise again! Don’t you understand? No mortal force can stop him!’
Wendigo throws Wolverine into the snow, and as She-Hulk come up behind the beast, it throws her towards Wolverine also. Logan asks She-Hulk they are planning to take this guy down, ‘I had backup!’ She-Hulk replies. ‘Me too!’ Wolverine exclaims. She-Hulk points out that it doesn’t look like their back up is coming, to which Wolverine suggests they just do it themselves. ‘How? He can heal from any wound!’ She-Hulk points out. ‘What about the mother of all wounds?’ Wolverine asks. ‘Something so nasty it’ll take him hours to heal!’
She-Hulk asks how they are going to do that, to which Wolverine replies ‘Two words: Fastball Special!’ She-Hulk lifts Wolverine up as Logan asks her if she knows how it is done. She-Hulk replies that she has seen it done before, before asking Wolverine if he usually does this move with a guy. ‘Yeah, why?’ Logan replies. She-Hulk smiles as she remarks ‘You’ve got a firm lil’ butt there. You must work out!’ Claws ready, Logan informs She-Hulk that the first rule of the Fastball Special is that you don’t talk about the Fastball Special, before telling her to just do it.
‘All right, but you better watch out!’ She-Hulk replies as she tosses Wolverine, ‘It’s one thing when you do this with Colossus…it’s another when you’re thrown by a Hulk!’ Logan goes careening towards the Wendigo at full force - then straight through the creatures chest, ripping its heart out. The creature looks dazed, before falling to the snow with a gaping hole in its chest. Covered in blood, Wolverine holds the heart on one of his claws and smiles as he remarks ‘That oughta slow the big fur ball down a while!’ ‘Maybe longer now that his heart isn’t in it!’ She-Hulk jokes.
Elsewhere, many miles to the South. ‘Oh how I love thee! How I dote on thee!’ the actress playing Titania in A Midsummer Nights Dream exclaims. In the audience, Mallory asks Two-Gun Kid why people are laughing, as it is not funny. On stage, Oberon and Puck approach Titania and Oberon casts her awake. ‘What visions have I seen!’ Titania exclaims as she sees Oberon, adding that she thought she was enamoured of an ass. ‘There lies your love’ Oberon smirks. Titania turns and sees that, indeed mule lies with her. Shocked, she asks how this came to pass, and exclaims that she loathes his visage now.
Mallory frowns and exclaims that she has to get out of here now. Audience members give Mallory and Two-Gun Kid cross looks as they walk past them in their exit, and out on the street Two-Gun Kid asks Mallory to forgive him, remarking that he should have never have taken her to this show, what with all her problems of late. Mallory tells Matt that she doesn’t want to talk about it, to which Two-Gun Kid assures her that she has nothing to be ashamed of, and the way he sees it, Awesome Andy had her swept under a love spell, so she is not responsible for the things she did back then, assuring her that anyone with any sense knows that.
Mallory and Two-Gun Kid walk past a news-stand, and an elderly lady is ready a paper when she looks up and notices Mallory. ‘It’s her!’ the old lady exclaims, before chasing after her and asking if she can have her autograph. ‘What? Why?’ Mallory asks, confused. The old woman exclaims ‘You’re famous!’ and holds out the paper she was reading, the headline reads Lady Lawyer Falls for World’s Biggest Blockhead! And has a photo of Mallory kissing the block-headed Awesome Andy. Mallory hangs her head in shame as the old woman informs her that she is on the cover of every tabloid in the country!
Back in Hudson Bay, Crimson wraps the Wendigo with his powers and She-Hulk asks Quartermain if he is sure about this. Clay replies that the are called Crimson Bands of Cyttorak and that not even her cousin the Hulk could break them. Talisman tells Wolverine that she is not sure about this, as Wendigo is native to these lands, and taking him away from here - not to mention not letting her cure him - Logan interrupts, telling Elizabeth that this is SHIELD’s Hulkbuster Unit, and they know what they are doing.
Logan leads She-Hulk away from the others, telling her than, contrary to what he just told Talisman, he trusts this chicken-@#*% outfit about as far as he can spit, so he wants her to know, that if Wendigo busts out, then he is holding her responsible. ‘Sure thing, tough guy!’ Jennifer replies, before asking him if, now that things are winding down, he wants to go get a beer or something. ‘Why?’ Logan replies. ‘Cause from what I hear…you’re the best at what you do. And what you do is pretty nice!’ She-Hulk exclaims as she runs a finger across Wolverine’s chest. Logan frowns, ‘Yeah, right. Look, I got better things to do…than go chasing around after Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds’ he exclaims as he walks off. ‘WHAT?’ She-Hulk screams. ‘I didn’t sleep with Juggernaut! Why does everyone keep saying that?’
As Wendigo is loaded into a truck marked “Caution: Hazardous Entity”, Quartermain informs his boss that the mission is accomplished, that they have got Wendigo and are heading home. In a lab somewhere, Clay’s boss, hidden in the shadows as he supervisors some scientists who are examining the captured Abomination, tells Quartermain he did a good job, and to keep them coming, for if this is going to work, they are going to need every specimen they can get for…Project Achilles!
