Deadpool, the “merc with the mouth,” Wade Wilson, while being crudely shoved into a confined metallic space, pleads with a yellow arm of the man doing the shoving that they should wait and consider other options. His pleas are refused, as are his quirky remarks: “I forgot my toothbrush. Wait, I’ve got to use the little mercenaries room!” The window of opportunity is closing, replies the yellow-garbed man and, with Wade’s requests denied, the door to Deadpool’s confined compartment is closed as well. The compartment, in fact an escape pod, is shot from an orbital station with a “Fwoom!” Reentry awaits it below.
The space pod careens back into the Earth’s atmosphere at overwhelming speeds which cause ignition of various non-metal objects in its compartment... including Deadpool. At first, Deadpool thinks that he is lucky enough to be wearing a fireproof suit, but discovers swiftly he is not. Keeping his humor, however, Wade shouts to himself “Flame on!” though he thinks to himself that the entire ordeal hurts quite a bit.
The pod rockets over snow capped land, presently inhabitant by living hairy mastodons. Continuing on its journey, the flaming pod crosses over swamp enriched jungle and a deep forest home to the most peculiar of residents: a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Crossing a mountain, Deadpool eventually crash lands violently into an open field with a loud “Ba-Boom!” leaving in its wake a large streak of torn earth and a small crater. Having survived, though barely, Wade groans and weakly climbs out of the pod, his skin chipped and burnt from the inferno during his fall back to the ground. Immediately greeting him is a man Wade imagines to be a spear-wielding blond man, clad in a loin cloth and accompanied by a large, cute cat.
In reality, the man is Ka-Zar, guardian of the Savage Land, and the cat the saber-toothed tiger, Zabu. Visibly unamused, Ka-Zar looks down upon the weakened and charred form of Deadpool, inquiring if Wade knows his identity. Deadpool incorrectly guesses Johnny Weismuller, which he supposes to himself that the jungle man couldn’t possibly know who that is. He follows with a second incorrect guess, Buster Crabb, to which he thinks it’s even worse. Ka-Zar, unimpressed and annoyed by Deadpool’s incorrect guesses, states “I am Ka-Zar, and I watch over the Savage Land. I think you better explain who you are and what you’re doing here.”
Six hours earlier…
Aboard an orbiting space station, Wade Wilson and several men in yellow…
“Honey, Mr. Wilson? Is that a euphemism?” a man whom in Deadpools overactive imagination seems to be one of five beekeepers asks. The man in question, actually Sub-Commander Blake of A.I.M., ignores Deadpool’s subsequent rambling about honey being used on pancakes, waffles and Tera Patrick’s stomach. Instead, Blake confirms his control over the space station facility and the upcoming mission which he’ll be sending Deadpool on. The mission: a simple insert-and-grab. However, Blake describes the mission as something the likes of regular A.I.M. agents are incapable of doing themselves. Deadpool takes Blake‘s description and twists it into a blunter description: “Your people would die. I wouldn’t.” Blake, caught off guard at first and shifting in his seat, reluctantly agrees.
Sub-Commander Blake continues to detail the schematics of Deadpool’s upcoming mission. Three weeks ago, HYDRA placed a team of bio-weapon scientists into the Savage Land to ascertain natural toxins that could be potentially turned into weapons. Deadpool’s secondary identity, living only in thought, entertains the information by saying -- in a sense -- to Deadpool “I thought these guys were HYDRA.” Deadpool, in proper thought, corrects his subsidiary, declaring the two groups interchangeable.
Blake divulges more information to Deadpool: An operative embedded into the HYDRA bio weapon team has recently reported that HYDRA has made a rather substantial find. Something of such importance that the team has requested a deadly trained and heavily-armed HYDRA retrieval squad to interject and pull everything out. Blake also tells Deadpool that the entry into the Savage Land must be done as secretly as possible, which means there will not be a parachute deployed on Deadpool’s pod. Anything more would immediately alert HYDRA, making the pod a target for a missile. To this, Deadpool notes aloud why Blake wants him for the mission: no one else would survive reentry into the atmosphere without a parachute.
Deadpool next asks exactly what he’ll be retrieving, but Blake dances around the question, providing limited details except for that his embedded agent had limited time to convey the information. Blake does, however, reassure Deadpool that the package will be primed and prepared for safe extraction. Blake calls the mission a “simple insert and grab.”
Deadpool remarks that the mission no longer seems so simple, citing that being immolated while reentering Earth’s atmosphere and smacking the surface of the planet at an estimated “bagillion miles per hour” requires more than a previously agreed one million dollars. Before he can even mutter the newly requested two million, Blake interrupts and agrees. Deadpool goes on; one million to insert, one million to grab. Blake again agrees. “That’s two million,” Deadpool says. Blake replies simply “Done.” Deadpool thinks to himself “Slick,” his secondary persona responding “I taught him that.”
Now…
In the Savage Land, a still badly burned Deadpool dresses into his signature red and black costume while, in the meantime, telling Ka-Zar he’ll be on his way as soon as he intercepts his contact and retrieves the possible weapon. As always, Deadpool jokes blatantly, saying he’ll not step on any roaches or eat any molerats. Ka-Zar, still finding no humor in the charred stranger and now even more alert that he’s brandishing weapons, regards the situation as a present disturbance that he must investigate. Deadpool warns him of HYDRA, describing them as men in green with snakes on their shirts, while pulling on his mask.
Ka-Zar seems disturbed by Deadpool’s mask and, when Deadpool asks him why he’s staring - asking if he’s got a booger, Ka-Zar tells Deadpool to follow him, saying there’s something important the mercenary should see. Confused, Deadpool asks what this thing is, but Ka-Zar tells him to see for himself. As always, the never serious Deadpool asks if they’ll be swinging on vines. Ka-Zar rushes away, saying “Possibly.”
The two arrive at a place Ka-Zar calls “The Valley of the Head Hunters.” Deadpool cautiously thinks “You had to ask” to himself. Deadpool describes the people he sees as “lookalike extras from 10,000 B.C.”. Ka-Zar dismissingly assures the mercenary that it’s the Savage Land but, more importantly, that he really wants Deadpool to see this mysterious destination first-hand and up-close. The two walk to an edge of a cliff and Deadpool suddenly shouts “By Odin’s Beard!” his secondary persona correcting “He mean’s `Holy Crap.”
“My God, that’s… Me!”
Ka-Zar has lead Deadpool to a fifty-foot stone statue, and this statue is carved in the likeness of none other than Deadpool himself. Ka-Zar tells the distraught Deadpool that, when he put on his outfit, he immediately recognized the resemblance. Ka-Zar tells Deadpool that he must leave him, stating that, with the things going on in the Savage Land and his recent discovery that HYDRA is present, he must look into everything. He also tells Deadpool to be careful, and that the Savage Land is fraught with exotic dangers. Deadpool nonchalantly interrupts, still distraught over the statue. However, when Ka-Zar asks what he said, Deadpool plays it off and wishes him good luck. He also suggests that perhaps their paths may cross again, to which Deadpool’s sub persona quips “Fat chance.”
Once Ka-Zar has departed, Deadpool composes himself and begins venturing further into the camp below and toward his mysterious moniker. Keeping covered with brush, he thinks to himself “Maybe they think we’re a God,” talking to his secondary personality, his “brain.” His brain responds “Maybe we are,” to which Deadpool proper thinks “Cool.” While on his way in stealthily proceeding toward the statue, Deadpool imagines himself as some type of highly respected deity-king in a tuxedo. “Nice,” he thinks.
Suddenly, while inspecting the situation in close proximity but well out of sight, Deadpool is snuck up on. Instinctively, he cold clocks the person who snuck upon him: a woman - a beautiful woman - whom he immediately becomes smitten with. She is light-skinned, with long blonde hair. Along with hiking shoes, she wears short khaki shorts and a blue pocket shirt, opened enough to display ample cleavage. The woman, wide-eyed through her glasses, seeming woozy and in shock at being struck, tells Deadpool she saw him with “the jungle man” and tried to make contact with him sooner. Deadpool, in proper fashion, hallucinates her as being all smiles and clad in a leopard skin bikini, glad to have him carrying her in his arms. She mumbles something he can’t quite understand to Deadpool and when he asks what she said, calling her dear, he awakens into the real world again to discover that although he is actually carrying her by the waist, she’s not at all pleased. Pounding on his back, she says again “Your sword is digging into my back!”
Back to reality, Deadpool puts her down and asks who she is. She tells him that her name is Dr. Betty Swanson and that she’s Deadpool’s A.I.M. contact. She also tells Deadpool that she arrived with the HYDRA science team and, that if things went according to plan, she was to have the weapon packaged and ready for extraction. Unfortunately, things have not gone according to plan, and that the weapon has fallen into the hands of the Head Hunters, the same people who built the statue of Deadpool. Dr. Betty tells Deadpool that since the Neanderthals -- an affectionate title Deadpool gives to the cave men himself -- have obtained the weapon, that HYDRA is sending in a strike force, so they need to hurry. As Betty leads Deadpool to her observation blind, he asks her what exactly he’s supposed to grab. Like Blake before her, however, she dodges the question, saying they just need to hurry before the attack team arrives.
Procuring a revolver from her equipment Dr. Betty continues her bleak description of the weapon by saying it’s extremely hazardous, meaning she has to get to it before Deadpool and make sure it’s packaged and secure before he takes possession of it. She tells Deadpool that she’s tagging along, but other than her getting the weapon, it’s his show. She also asks him “What’s the plan, hot-shot mercenary?”
Stroking his chin, as if in deep thought, Deadpool thinks “Maybe she should be told that, regardless of how dangerous the weapon is, he can’t be hurt by it.” His secondary thought pattern intercedes, stating “Shut up! She wants to come with us.” Aloud, Deadpool acts as though he’d been pondering over a possible course of action. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers, saying he’s got the perfect plan. He requests Betty’s gun and says she’ll definitely appreciate his plans cleverness and subtlety. Now acting very serious, Deadpool tells Dr. Betty that this plan is extremely complex; it has wheels turning inside of wheels turning. She’ll need to pay attention to everything he says. He demands to know if she can do that. She says she can, though she stutters a bit on the response.
One minute later, Deadpool ambushes a nearby group of cavemen in a vicious fashion, killing many in very fast rhythm. He thinks “My kung-fu is strong.” After dispatching the group, he thinks “We win.” His brain persona tells him to check and see if Betty is still digging them. He turns, tells her that everything’s okay. Unless, of course, he then adds, a larger group of cave men attack. A moment later, mute with shock, Dr. Betty silently points behind Deadpool. He looks behind him, and can only think “Oh hell.” He quickly turns to face the horde of attacking cave men. Drawing his gun, Deadpool reminds himself not to soil himself in front of the girl. A few moments later, as they are overrun, his sub thought tells him that now is an okay time to soil himself.
Some time afterwards, the two are being carried horizontally on stick to which they have been tied. Dr. Betty angrily tells Deadpool that she’d been observing them for over a week from that blind and was never even in the slightest danger of even a close call, but that he shows up and within an hour she’s captured by savages. Deadpool seems hurt by this in thought, though immediately follows up that it happens all the damn time. He also asks aloud where the tunnel they’re being carried on sticks their tied to down leads. Betty, still angry, tells him she doesn’t know, but also says she doesn’t want to end up in a “stew pot” because she went to Cal Tech and doesn’t deserve this. Deadpool tells her “Don’t worry Dr. Betty. I’m going to get you out of this.” to which she replies “Please don’t call me ‘Dr. Betty.’”
The duo are brought to the Head Hunter’s ornately dressed who Betty surmises is probably a shaman or something, though admits she’s a biologist not an anthropologist. Flashing the Vulcan greeting with one hand, Deadpool announces that they come in peace. To this he adds “now,” not before when he was shooting everybody, but now.
Snarling in his own language, the leader calls Deadpool “a tool” and orders his underlings to bring him to the “Holy One.” Lead forward and alone at spear tip, Deadpool finds himself in another chamber. Aghast, Deadpool exclaims “No way! That’s impossible!” Surrounded by various Head Hunter guards and Head Hunter women is the decaying head of none other than Deadpool himself -- or at least, a Deadpool from an alternative dimension. Though decapitated, the animated and masked skull looks at the fully bodied Wade Wilson and says “Hiya handsome! Thanks for bringing me that fresh new body!”
Dr. Betty begrudgingly says aloud “That’s why I was supposed to box it up before you got here.” To this, Deadpool whispers “Whoa” thinks to himself.
