California, San Francisco… Deadpool’s House.
Blind Al is at the basement, though a little upset. Wade has moved things again, making it difficult for her to find the exit. She thinks it’s a real bad joke, and angrily calls out to Deadpool. He opens the door and is glad that the Geritol girl is awake. He asks Al how things are. Al wants to know what Deadpool has been doing lately.
Wade claims it hasn’t been much: just some morning meditation before the rough stuff begin. He thinks it’s better to have that triple-double mochachino with the extra cream than those things those hippies inhale. Al is surprised that Wade has been having meditation in that dark place he came out from. Wade confirms, because he likes the dark place, which is actually womb-like. It’s ideal for the expansion of one’s mind and spirit. And, he jokes, if you twist around just right, you can look out through the air holes and see babes sunbathing!
He asks what’s for breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day, and he’s starving like Marvin the Martian. Al thinks something’s wrong with Wade, and wants to know what it is. Wade tells Al she’s right as the pain of crashing a plane in Spain. Al suspects that something happened with Typhoid Mary.
Wade, with a serious look on his face, jokes that one could put it that way. That is, if one had limited vocabulary. He promises they’ll discuss it over some hot tea sometime but, for now, he threatens that, if Al mentions Typhoid’s name ever again, she can expect some real bad things to happen to her! Wade thinks it’s now really time to eat. He calls out to Deuce, and tells the dog he hid some milk bones in Al’s sock drawer. Al hopes that Wade doesn’t let it start happening again, and hopes that he stays out of the box.
Later, at the Hellhouse…
Patch, C.F. and Fenway are staring at a wall. Patch thinks that this is stupid but C.F. doesn’t agree. At a certain time of day, the fifth on the wall bears a striking resemblance to the one and only… Miss Liza Minnelli! Fenway knew their boss wanted box seats. Patch clears up the fact that they have been standing there for nearly half an hour, and all he sees are a couple of stress factors, maggots and rat turds! Patch admits that he’s as big a Minnelli fan as the next guy, (Patch means, he’s only got fifteen versions of “Clang, Clang, Clang” in his car alone), but he doesn’t understand what’s supposed to happen with the spot.
C.F. thinks that they should watch for at least another five minutes. Fenway jokes that the ump needs at least ten minutes. Patch wants to know what the two thugs are up to. C.F. hesitates, but claims that it’s nothing. They just wanted their boss to see the tableau. Suddenly, battle noises can be heard below! Patch gets furious, and thinks he has been set up. C.F. and Fenway panic and fail to hold Patch back. They think they should have told him the spot looked like Shoeless Joe in heels. They follow Patch below.
There, they find a horrible sight: Deadpool! And he has defeated all of the other mercs. He’s furious, and angrily asks who else thinks that T-Ray runs this place. Wade picks up a merc named Cricket, and shouts at him if he ever did anything to make people forget about the little accident that T-Ray is going to have. Wade angrily throws the other merc on the ground, promising that, once he’s through with T-Ray, they’ll have to burry him in a petrie dish! Patch stops Deadpool, demanding to know what happened. Wade jokes that he stopped a horrible massacre at the Hellhouse, and that the culprit was none other than a… banana peel.
Wade jokes that the cartoons were right, and that those things really are dangerous. Patch jokes that they’ve got to call a plumber, as Wade’s mouth is blabbering again all over his shoes. Wade defends that he isn’t joking, and that the peel is actually radioactive and can give someone special powers upon touch. Patch normally doesn’t allow any fighting in the Hellhouse, but he agrees that the boys needed to learn some discipline. But, he warns Wade that he’ll better take some bigger banana peels with him once he’s going to face T-Ray.
Wade is always pleased when Patch gives him the special friendship treatment. He suggests he makes him a badge for it, like with the Boy Scouts. Patch tells the merc to shut up. Wade does, but he mentions that he wants a job. And this time, it has to be one where it shows off his pure heart and altruistic nature, preferably not one that involves murder. Patch is surprised to hear that Wade actually wants a job from the morally admirable-gig. He warns Wade that those jobs are usually pro bono work, and don’t pay much.
C.F. and Fenway are surprised of the sudden change in Wade’s heart, as they know he isn’t exactly a boy scout. Wade agrees, but he needs to do this, if only to prove a certain shock therapy patient wrong. Patch takes out a dusty file, which involves hero cases. Though he apparently hasn’t updated it much lately. He reads that there really isn’t much need for a hero right now, as, after Onslaught, the battles between heroes and villains have dampened a bit since so many heroes were killed in the battle. Wade finds it ironic: just when he’s ready to play the hero part of his life, this happens. Suddenly, a male voice interrupts, begging for help. He’s in need of a mercenary.
A hooded man reveals that dark times are occurring in his land. A malevolent force has reached their castle walls, and surrounded their royal princess. The man traveled a long distance, to find a man with fortitude of spirit and is cunning like an animal. He takes off his hood, and wonders if anyone here can answer to his prayers. Everyone, including Deadpool, laughs the poor guy out, thinking he just said all the classic lines. Patch holds the man back, as nobody at the Hellhouse prays unless he allows it.
However, Wade has to admit he’s interested in the evil forces little Obi-Wan wannabe mentions. He asks the guy what the job pays. The man admits that he doesn’t have a lot of money but is certain that, when Wade succeeds, the princess will surely grant him a boom. Wade likes the sound of that, and tells the man he found himself a hero!
They step outside, and enter the man’s plane. Along the entire way, Wade keeps babbling about his twelve-stage plan about trying to improve himself, and keeps focusing on vanquishing the evil. The man is annoyed by Wade, and asks if he always talks this much. Wade jokes that depends on how much soda he drinks before bedtime. He asks the man if he annoys him, and if he should stop talking. The man begs Wade to do it, so he surprisingly does.
Wade noticed that for an Obi-Wan type, his new contractor isn’t all that warm and fuzzy. The guy is more like Michael Caine, like in Jaws: the Revenge. He wants to know what’s wrong. The man confirms that he isn’t all “warm and fuzzy,” because he believes in a little gravitas before he takes a life! The man presses a button, and Wade gets attacked by some powerful electrical shocks, which knock him out.
San Francisco, Deadpool’s house…
Al mentions that it’s called “the box.” She doesn’t want to discuss what’s happening in there, maybe once they’ve got to know each other a little better. But that’s probably not going to happen. The point is, if Deadpool were there, bad things would be happening to everyone in the room.
Weasel apologizes. He asks if he came at a wrong time. Al didn’t even hear Weasel teleport inside. He apologizes, but brought some pizza to make it up. They say hi to each other, and Weasel notices that something’s wrong. Al explains that she picked the worst day possible to get on Wade’s back, and complain about the fact that he stuck her with that stupid dog, Deuce. Weasel panics a bit.
- Deadpool’s fantasy-
President Bill Clinton has gathered a lot of spectators, and is proud to announce that April 1st has now officially been renamed as… Deadpool Day! It’s not more than right, Bill believes, to repay Wade for all the heroic things he has done so far. Wade thanks the president, as he sees it as a honor to serve his country. He knows that his rehabilitation has been a shock to everyone, but he felt is was the right thing to do. Just as they want to shake hands, Bill gets shot by none other than… Typhoid Mary!
She jumps in front of Wade and places her hands on his chest, which goes on fire. Mary sadistically pronounces to the public that Wade isn’t a hero, and is just a psychopathic killer like she is. Wade tries to make Mary shut up, but she ignores her. Suddenly, his entire body is on fire, including his head! Then again, Wade always depended on the kindness of strangulation! His head changes into that of… the devil! He suggests Mary that they go murder something.
- End of fantasy -
Deadpool wakes up, dressed in baby clothes and chained. He finds himself trapped in a… gigantic evil playhouse? He wonders if someone forgot to turn of the button of his dream sequence. The hooded man reveals himself, and is afraid that Wade is very much awake. Because now, Deadpool finds himself in the clutches of… DEATHTRAP!
Normally, Deathtrap would give Wade an entire speech about the why and how comes but, since his prisoner is obviously a player, he wants to move over to the good parts. Wade jokes that even the bad guys seem to be blowing him off now. He wants to know why he’s wearing the bonnet. Deathtrap asks Wade not to feel snitty. He knows the merc is just upset because there’s no real damsel in distress to rescue. Wade can’t believe he has been set up.
Deathtrap reveals that, when he chose Wade, he had no idea just how corrupted his mind was. He warns Wade that his last moments should be rather piquant. Wade isn’t impressed by the threat, as he heard it many times in his life before and he’s still standing. He demands to know why he became a victim, and why he’s dressed like this. Did he smack Deathtrap’s dog or something?
Deathtrap claims not to have anything against Wade at all. It’s just that business has been slow lately, so he thought he’d test out some new equipment. He asks Wade to look up, and he finds a giant needle. Deathtrap continues to explain that, upon viewing Wade’s performance back at the Hellhouse, he chose Wade to assist him because he realized Wade is actually a pain in the butt and that nobody would really miss him. He’ll address Wade’s wardrobe shortly.
Wade mentions that, if Deathstrap liked what he saw back at the Hellhouse, he’ll love what he has planned for him once he’s free. Wade wants to know who Deathtrap is and why he never heard of the guy before. Deathtrap thinks that’s quite simple. It’s because he works in social circles Wade cannot even begin to try understand how they work. Deathtrap reveals to be responsible for nearly three thousand premature liquidations, versed on all forms of torture and even holds three doctorates from Oxford. He simply thought that experimenting with the same old things all the time were boring. He wanted a new challenge. It became his mission to eliminate death into an art form.
Deathtrap wants to demonstrate what he means. He presses a button. He mentions that originally, he was going to run Wade through a gauntlet the Marquis de Sade would envy, the goal being to “save the princess” in order to play out his “hero complex”. But Wade managed to give Deathtrap a better idea. Wade threatens Deathtrap that he’ll inspire him a whole new pie hole if he doesn’t set him free.
Deathtrap realized that it would be a much greater challenge using his inherent proclivities against him. He chose a pre-schooler motif to mirror Wade’s undeveloped psyche and replaced the very key to survival in the palm of Wade’s own hand.
Wade thinks it’ll look great there, right next to Deathtrap’s heart. A big giant teddy bear starts falling down from the ceiling, but since the big place they are in is huge, it sure takes the thing a little long to kill Wade. He surely would have thought that his last moments on Earth would have been nothing more than seconds. Deathtrap mentions that it’ll take twenty minutes before Wade dies, but is fascinated by the way he keeps rambling on. He wonders if Wade might not suffer from a delusion of invulnerability, or if he’s just a cretin.
Wade jokes that he’s a little bit of both. He still doesn’t understand why Deathtrap did this to him, but thinks he had a bad childhood thanks to his mom, who is probably fat. Deathtrap thinks that Deadpool is actually going to talk himself to death. Suddenly, parts of Wade’s arm start snapping off!
Meanwhile, at San Francisco, Deadpool’s house…
Al mentions to Weasel that the job Wade is on now is nothing major. Well, it might be a little, she doesn’t know for sure. Weasel doesn’t think he really wants to know the answer, either way. Al asks Weasel if he knows about all those little weapon things Wade always carries around with him.
Deadpool reveals that he actually broke his own wrist, but he only did it to have one arm free, so he can defend himself. Deathtrap is impressed, and asks Wade how it felt when his wrist snapped. Deadpool doesn’t care, and just wants to shoot his enemy. But, as he wants to fire, a toy flag comes out of his gun. It’s a message from Blind Al, on which she sarcastically thanks Wade for the dog! Wade doesn’t think it matters, as he still got his sword left. He takes it out, but as he wants to throw it at Deathtrap, the sword breaks apart! Once again, this is Al’s doing.
Weasel would give up the Spice Channel to see the look on Wade’s face now. Al figures that the worst-case scenario is Wade buying it, but then Al doesn’t have to worry about Wade getting back at her. Weasel jokes that this isn’t exactly a healthy relationship to have, but Al tells Oprah to mind his own business.
Deathtrap laughs. He begs Wade to keep doing these funny things, and he promises that, if Wade shuts up for one minute, he’ll grant him his freedom. Wade refuses to shut up for anyone, not even if it comes to his advantage. He thinks it’s time for the other part of his plan, and snaps his other wrist as well! Though, as he did that, the machine he’s trapped on falls on Wade, trapping him below it. Deathtrap is certain that. though his machines are heavy, they couldn’t have killed the merc that easily.
He’s right, as, thanks to his fast working healing factor, Wade is unharmed, and even his broken wrists have already healed. He kicks the machines away from him, and is ready for payback!
Deathtrap mentions that, back in his killing days, he has seen people gnaw their own legs to escape a trap, even sell their spouses, disembowel their own uncles, but he has never known a man not wanting to shut up, even if it meant he could have his freedom back. Deadpool confronts Deathtrap, and threatens that he’s going to kill him now. Deathtrap finds it ironic, that when Wade began the day, he wanted to do something heroic, but ends up being yet again an animal.
Wade compliments Deathtrap that he really knows how to take the wind out of a near-death experience. He doesn’t care, and tells Deathtrap to come closer so he can break the man’s kneecaps. Deathtrap doesn’t think that will be necessary, and mentions that he can kill Deadpool with a mere thought if necessary. Wade tells him to get over it then if he wants to, because he’ll never stop. Deathtrap doesn’t think it’s necessary, and knocks Wade unconscious! He mentions that he has learned enough today.
A few hours later, Wade wakes up somewhere else, on a rooftop of an old church. He wonders what all this was about and what it was Deathtrap was after. He looks up, and notices Deathtrap in his plane, waving at Wade, and taking off. Wade finds a note taped on his arm, which reads, “This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Wade sarcastically jokes that this is also a perfect end to a perfect day. And that’s one to grow on to. He climbs down from the church, and starts heading home.
