- Interlude -
As a familiar, blue-screen orb called Earth spins languidly in its cosmic pirouette, an epic drama of colossal proportions is about to unfold on its closest companion: the moon! Thought by most to be merely barren rock, this pale satellite is home to one as stoic, and perhaps as magnificent. He calls himself the enigmatic Uatu, but he is better known as… the Watcher!
Tireless and vigilant, the Watcher keeps his solemn oath to observe the going-on of humanity, yet never interferes. His is a lonely life… except when he breaks his solemn oath and does interfere, which he won’t do unless on a special occasion. But, we won’t get into that. BEHOLD!
An alarm goes off. The Watcher thinks an incident on Earth requires his immediate attention. He diverts all of his vast technology towards the study and investigation of this disturbance, for nothing of import shall escape his gaze. Yet, something is strange. Uatu’s technology should be able to pierce the thin veil of space with no difficulty, so he wonders why the image he sees on his viewing screen is so indistinct?
Perhaps more to the point, what could be pressing as to alert Uatu’s computers, about the life of an elderly woman named May Parker? Uatu sees May returning home from a day at the market and that her life is bright since she is enveloped in the love of her family.
The alarm goes off again, this time even louder than before! Now, things become clear to Uatu. Some other individual is about to disrupt May’s modest life, one who does not belong in the timeline. Oh, no! Uatu’s face immediately changes into one of panic. Please, he begs, let it not be… him!
- End interlude -
Deadpool and Blind Al get sucked into a time warp. Al panics, and asks Wade what’s going on. Wade thinks that the next time some hippie asks him to lick anything at a Dead concert, he should say “no.” But, he has no clue about what’s going on. Suddenly, he notices that his voice is becoming to sound really weird. Cool, he thinks, he’s experiencing albatross!
An opening in the portal opens, and Wade and Al fall through it. On the alternate world, May also sees the opening. She thinks she left the porch light on all night again. She corrects herself that can’t be, as she doesn’t even have a porch light! The portal closes, and Wade and Al land right on the old woman!
Al begs Wade to tell her they are back on solid ground and that her head has stopped spinning. Wade doesn’t think that the trip was so bad. It was sort of like the “Pirates of the Caribbean,” only there were less swabbies and more unspeakable horror. He thanks God that it wasn’t “It’s a small world after all.” That attraction makes him toss the old pop-tarts every time he goes on it. Besides, he thinks Al should thank him how he fixed they could land on an old geezer to soften it a bit.
Al still wants to know what happened, and where they are. Wade tells Al to strip-search him. On second thought, she should scratch that. The mental picture is way too disturbing. They get up from May, and suggest that they get “Jessica Tandy” there back inside before the neighbors see them.
Moments later…
Al takes care of May, who’s still unconscious. She doesn’t think the lady broke something, and asks Wade how things look. Wade jokes it looks like a centerfold for a Medicare pamphlet. He doesn’t think Al should care about it, since he found fifteen medical bills of May’s. If they did any damage to her, he’s certain they could find a doctor to take care of the problem.
Hooray for the golden years indeed. Al thinks if she ever gets to the doddering old bidy stage, she wholly suspects Wade to take her out back and put her out of her misery. Seeing as how Wade ruined her life, she thinks that’s the least he could do. Wade doesn’t think so. He couldn’t dare to miss the laugh riots of adult undergarments. But, enough about Al.
According to the address on the mail letters, Wade learned that they teleported all the way across the country and are now in Forest Hills, New York. He knows his teleporter is not supposed to do that, so Wade thinks that it must have malfunctioned when Doorman touched them. Al thinks that perhaps they should have stayed and not run like cowards then. Wade thinks it’s cute when Al plays Monday Morning Mercenary. Al asks Wade not to haze her, as he forgets she handles his food.
Wade thinks that he better teleports back to the Hellhouse to escort them a ride back home to San Francisco, because there is no way he’s going to try that two-for-the-price-of-one teleport again. After that, he’ll spend a few days tracking down the Lightning Rods and gut them like shrimp! Al asks Wade to wait, as she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do with May. Wade jokes that when May wakes up, Al should entertain her with a witty testimonial about hot flashes. He teleports away.
More moments later…
Wade arrives at some place. He thinks this was a perfect teleport, and not even a single anomaly in sight. He knew this mess wasn’t his fault. He tries to figure out who he knows at the Hellhouse who has their own ride. He can probably intimidate Fenway into letting him borrow the guy’s new Whirlybird, unless of course he’s still sore because Wade demolished Fenway’s old car.
Suddenly, Wade freaks out: What happened to the Hellhouse? He walks closer what he thought was the Hellhouse but, instead, he finds an actual school with little girls playing on the playgrounds! One of the schoolgirls defends that nobody can call Sister Margaret’s Home For Wayward Children a hellhouse unless they actually go there. They shout at Wade to move, as he’s standing in the middle of their game.
Wade thinks it has finally happened: he snapped. He has taken a dive in the drool pool. He thinks in reality, he’s probably lying in a rat-infested sanitarium somewhere and getting a sponge bath from Cloris Leachman. The girls get impatient, and angrily kick Wade against his knees! Wade gets angry with the girls and grabs them by their clothes, wanting to punish them for what they did. The girls panicking call out to Sister Butchie for help. Butchi enters, and angrily says hi to Wade, the sinner.
Through the miracle of modern summaries, we leap forward into the future, and arrive back at the aquarium, where…
Doorman is still feeling sick, and Mr. Immortal angrily asks Weasel what happened to his teammate. While Deuce plays around with Flatman, Weasel has to admit he doesn’t really know the answer. And this sudden rainstorm isn’t making it his detective work any easier. But according to the readings Weasel discovered so far, it looks like that Doorman tried to use his powers at the same time that Deadpool activated his own teleporter, and the resulting conflux send him and Blind Al careening through time!
Flatman asks Doorman if there’s anything he can do. There isn’t, unless Flatman can find a truck full of Pepto somewhere. Doorman feels he’s having an indigestion from hell. Mr. Immortal gets impatient, and angrily asks Weasel who he is. Weasel tries to introduce himself, but Immortal doesn’t have the time for this. He wants to make Weasel pay for what happened to his friend. Flatman asks Dinah for a hand, as it looks like Mr. Immortal is going ballistic again.
Bertha takes Weasel away from Immortal, apologizing in his place. She claims that he always has a fit whenever he comes back to life, and that Dinah is the only who can calm him down. Weasel is a bit confused about that. Bertha mentions that Deadpool shot Immortal. Weasel thinks that’s natural, as Wade’s such a charmer. He introduces himself to Bertha. She asks Weasel what they have to do in order to help Doorman.
Since he’s still in pain, Weasel thinks that the time portal is probably intact, so he guesses the first thing they need to do is determine where exactly Deadpool and Blind Al were sent to, so they can get them back. Dorman suddenly barfs! Weasel wants to go home. Flatman thinks he has the key to solve the dilemma. These ferragamo platform pumps, circa 1967, came out of Doorman along with that temporal goop! Which leads him to believe that Weasel’s friends are in the past. Flatman remembers people really knew how to make a shoe back then… solid, fabrics… they were to die for. Everyone looks embarrassed at Flatman. He doesn’t understand it, and mentions he studied Fashion at college.
Meanwhile, back in time…
Al is watching at the TV and is thinking that, though Deadpool may be fruity as a loon, she knows she isn’t senile. So, either every channel on this TV is set to Nick at Night, or, she is listening to shows from the past! A freaked-out Deadpool teleports inside, begging the sister to stop hitting him with her ruler: he doesn’t even care anymore what she looks like under that habit! He realizes he’s back with Al, and says hi to her. He promises to himself that he’ll never look at a nun with nothing else in mind but fear. He notices smoke coming from his teleporter unit, and thinks the nun must have smashed it.
Al explains to Wade that they are in the past. Wade already figured that. But at least, even in the past, he still knows how to make witty jokes. Al doesn’t like it. It’s already bad enough that she’s Wade prisoner, but now she has to be that too in the past?! She can’t believe this is happening to them. Wade looks at the TV, and laughs at the lousy effects on it, which have to represent an alligator. What else could go wrong?
To answer that clinched question, we only need to swing across the Triborough Bridge, to a seemingly unrelated plot thread… as bestial bad-boy Kraven the Hunter barrels out of State Prison. He’s a man with a mission…
While running away from prison, Kraven recalls that Spider-Man is the only living being who has ever defeated him. He’ll never rest until he has totally and completely destroyed him! But first, he’ll track down the Green Goblin! He owes Kraven for the time he spent in jail, since it was the Goblin who sent Kraven up to fighting Spider-Man in the first place.
After breaking in into the morgue room of the Daily Bugle, Kraven reads on a newspaper that the Goblin has died in a fire and that Spider-Man is being held responsible. Again, that web-slinging weasel has spoiled Kraven’s plan, and he isn’t too happy about it. This time, Spider-Man will pay in full! But first, Kraven needs money and knows where to get it: with Norman Osborn, the Goblin’s flunky. Kraven is confident that Osborn will pay his price, or else, the man will die!
(hmmm… this turned out to be some curious sub-plot, has it not?)
Al realizes that this situation means they have traveled across space and time. This is tremendous… a cosmic event! And here Wade was thinking that they got sucked through some guy’s duodenum. Still watching the TV and seeing people hit each other, Wade wonders what a kookla is. He wonders if kids actually dig this chick with the pantyhose in her hand?
Al tries to make Wade understand all the changes they could bring, with their knowledge of the future. Wade thinks he’s understanding what Al is saying. He could fix sporting events… take Cindy Crawford to the prom… hang out on the grassy knoll and take Polaroids. Al also realizes that everything they do could mess up the timestream. She learned this from watching Star Trek. For example, if Wade kept someone from getting on a bus who should have gotten on, maybe they’d never meet their future wife, and the next president might never be born, leading the world towards World War Three! And all because Wade wants a window seat.
Holee Stephen King… Wade thinks that Al is right. Wade realizes they’ve become one with the universe. Their destinies are intertwined with those of every living being on this planet. Dust in the wind. It’s their responsibility to do everything in their power to protect the integrity of the future. But, Wade jokes, if he can get a little nuk-nuk from the future cast members of Baywatch before they get famous… who is really going to know that? He tells Al to go find a phonebook and give him the phone number of Pamela Anderson.
Al fears, and just knows that they are going to be responsible for destroying the universe. She just knows it. She thinks they should just stay here and figure out a way to get back home. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. It’s Anna Watson, having come to pick May up. Not getting an answer, Anna hopes that May didn’t get another fainting spell. She calls out that she’s coming into the house, and starts opening the door!
Deadpool, holding his gun ready, tells Al not to worry… he’s got the timestream covered!
The present…
While Bertha and Flatman argue about him having studied fashion at college, Mr. Immortal walks over to Weasel. He apologizes for his earlier outburst, and is calmed down now. Weasel wouldn’t bet on that. However, there’s no news yet. He grasped the whole instantaneous-teleportation-across-space thing, but time travel, this is way over his head. Doorman throws up again.
Immortal calls out to Flatman, as they need his scientific expertise. Immortal explains to Flatman that they’ve got a temporal tongue-twister going on here. Immortal figured that Flatman has got the gumption to make sense of it all, and help out their new ally. After hearing the “gumption” word, Weasel rolls his eyes, thinking Immortal must be kidding.
Flatman explains that, as any schoolboy knows, the fabric of space and time is a most fragile textile. While Flatman continues to his explain his scientific findings, Mr. Immortal fakes that he understands everything he’s saying. Weasel notices that the guy is lying, but Immortal claims he isn’t, so he and Weasel start arguing about it.
The past…
Al pulls Wade’s gun aside, shouting at him that he can’t just kill people from the past like that. She thinks he didn’t hear a thing about what she said about interfering in this timeline. Wade did, but he got a little giddy at the prospect of blowing somebody away. It’s been a while, after all. He realizes that they could just pummel away from there. Wade bets that there’s room on the couch for another unconscious old bag. Al calls Wade a pathetic amateur, and tells him to watch and learn.
Anna has almost come in, until Al stops her. She holds the door open a bit, but not so far so Anna can see her, or Wade or May. Al, in May’s name, lies that she was just taking a nap and didn’t hear her until now. She fakes having a touch of the flu. Anna feels sorry, and suggests that she comes inside and makes May a nice cup of soup. Al fakes that she can’t come in because the doctor told her it’s contagious. Anna thinks that’s all right, as she’s got rubber gloves in her purse. Al doesn’t know who she’s dealing with here: Anna Watson or June Cleaver?!
Deadpool sarcastically asks Al if she has a pen handy. He wants to make some notes, as he didn’t know this move to get rid of someone. He suggests that Al tries the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” quip. Al tells Wade to shut up. Al lies that she’s really tired and that her feet are all swollen up. She wants Anna to give it a break so she can go lie down. Anna notices that May’s sounding so confused, and thinks she might be having another episode. She thanks God that May is coming to live with her. Anna suggests that she goes inside and makes May that nice Vienna coffee and a little foot massage.
Al doesn’t like the foot massage thing. She tried to be nice, but suggests that Anna leaves her property before she calls the cops. Anna tells May to relax. She knows that she’s nervous about moving house, but this is ridiculous. Al calls out to Deadpool for help, but he ignores her. Instead, he takes out a small device, and takes some snapshots of May’s framed pictures of her and her family. He wonders who the kid on the pictures is. Looks like he’s a real geek, and should try doing some push-ups every now and then. Wade notices more picture of the kid, and thinks May’s whole life must surround around him. This is the perfect set-up for Wade’s plan B.
Al asks Wade to hurry up, as Anna can’t seem to take a hint! Wade thinks that he’s got enough pictures. It’s time for Al to be rescued. He activates his image inducer and warns Al to be ready. The door gets slammed shut again. Anna doesn’t think that this is funny anymore. She warns May that, if she isn’t going to let her come in, she’s going to call Peter for help. Wade quickly gives Al a wig and sunglasses, and transforms her exactly like May! He opens the door, and welcomes Anna as May’s one and only nephew… Peter Parker! He apologizes for the mess, but he was in the bathroom trying to figure out how to shave.
Anna notices that Peter’s voice sounds weirder than normal, and asks if something’s wrong. Wade, as Peter, jokes that his voice is changing. Anna understands. He whispers to Anna that May had another of her spells. The kind where she takes off all her clothes and walks around the house naked singing show tunes. Anna had no idea, and feels sorry for May. She notices how awful she looks wearing those sunglasses. “Peter” jokes that the doctor said the treatment makes May’s eyes sensitive to sunlight, so she has to constantly wear them. Al refuses to go with this, but Wade remembers Al that if this illusion is enough to fool Anna, she has to continue with it. Al agrees, and walks away together with Anna. Suddenly, a time portal opens in the wall. Luckily, Al and Anna have turned away and only Wade sees it.
The present…
Weasel has stuck his arms into Doorman’s stomach, and wrote Deadpool a note about what to do in order to return to the proper universe. However, Weasel dislikes doing this, and Doorman makes the little geezer promise to never tell this to his girlfriend.
The past…
Deadpool warns Anna that something’s up in the living room, and suggests that she tries to lure Anna away. Al doesn’t like it, but does as told and lures Anna away by asking if she has bourbon at her house. Anna suggests they go find out, and leave. Wade ditches them and goes back inside to check out the portal. He recognizes Weasel’s arm and takes his letter from him.
The present…
The portal closes, and Weasel gets pushed away from Doorman. Flatman grabs him, and Bertha is impressed by the quick reaction. Weasel asks if anyone has any hand wash, as he’s disgusted.
The past…
Deadpool doesn’t know how Weasel did it, but he actually found a way back to him. Wade reads his note and learns that, in order for him and Al to return, he and Doorman will have to use their teleporters at the same time, as it’s the only way Doorman’s power will stabilize. Weasel suggests that Wade uses his teleporter at midnight so the problem can be solved.
Wade remembers that his teleporter unit is broken. He wonders what Alex P. Keaton would do. He knows: he would quit the show, go on in the movie business, make a successful franchise by using a title three times, and then return to shows calling himself Mike. Not that that has anything to do with this, Wade thought it would be fun to mention. But, he’s angry about the fact that he isn’t exactly a science nerd like Weasel or Reed Richards. He takes another look at Peter Parker’s photos, and tells him to stop smiling or else he’ll wipe that smile off his face.
Suddenly, Wade freaks out after recognizing a familiar face on one of Peter’s photos: another nerd standing next to Parker, a younger version of Weasel! Wade is confident that Weasel can fix the teleporter, as after all he made it. And with Wade owning the Parker hologram template, he can transform himself back to Parker and have Weasel restore the thing. How hard can it be? But Wade remembers the actual Peter and his crummy aunt. He has to get them out of the picture in order not to ruin things. What should he do: feed them cement Reeboks? Wade notices another picture, an early one he took for the Daily Bugle: him as Spider-Man fighting the Vulture. This gives Wade an idea.
Later, after “taking care” of Aunt May, the faux Peter Parker makes it downtown…
Wade, in his Peter Parker guise, thinks all he’s got to do now is make it to the E.S.U College Peter attends and complete his brilliant plan. He doesn’t think it can be too hard, as people seem to be so dense in this time period. Especially the clothing. He takes a look at a passer by, who happens to be Kraven! Not recognizing the villain, Wade sarcastically congratulates Ka-Zar on his duds.
Kraven, uninterested, ignores Wade, and recalls that Osborn has an office in this part of the city, so he’ll go there. Kraven eventually finds the office, but a scared secretary informs him that her boss is out of town for the entire week. Angry, Kraven shouts that plan won’t work and that Osborn won’t be able to hide from him forever.
He returns to his lair, where he trains a little. Kraven promises to himself that he won’t be defeated again. He remembers that, the last time they met, Spider-Man only managed to defeat him because of his great speed. But he had months to design a new weapon in his vest: a double-barreled ray, which can magnetize Spidey’s muscular electrolytes! Once Spider-Man gets hit by that ray, his speed will vanish and Kraven will easily defeat his long-time adversary.
The university…
The real Peter Parker thinks his life can’t get any better right now: his new apartment shared with Harry Osborn looks fabulous, and he’s going to a great party at Gwen Stacy’s tonight. And, after beating the Shocker that time, he’s even thrilled about being Spider-Man. Suddenly, a phone rings in an empty phone boot. Peter decides to answer it. It’s Wade, and he makes up that a bomb hidden in dump in the Bayoon is soon going to explode and hurt a lot of people. He can’t tell anymore, but thinks that Peter should go warn Spider-Man and that he himself should go take pictures of it. Peter thanks the man, hangs up, and leaves to the “crime scene.” Wade can’t believe how easy this was. He loves living in the past!
Some mighty minutes later…
A professor is trying to explain an experiment, but he’s having a blank and fails to remember the exact working. He asks Mr. Jack Hammer if he wants to help him out. Jack agrees, and… Weasel steps forward! Weasel explains that the formula the teacher is looking for is “A over exponent BC equals three pi root sigma.” Although in three years, Weasel is certain that it’ll be disproven. The professor laughs at that joke.
Wade enters the class, and hasn’t felt this weird since Xena sang the national anthem. He’s out of his mind that Jack Hammer actually turns out to be Weasel, and it makes him wonder what happened in the kid’s life that got him so messed up. Weasel thinks that the professor really likes him, and will be a great reference for him once he gets a job at Osborn Chemicals. Once he’ll get a job there after school, he’ll be settled for life. Wade walks up to Weasel, and asks the guy how he’s doing. Jack angrily defends that, even though after half the school is naming him that way, he never thought Peter would go add in the name calling. Perhaps Jack should start calling him “puny Parker” as well?
Wade apologizes and asks Weasel to repair his teleporter, as he’s got only twenty hours left. Jack doesn’t believe Parker, and mentions that he knows they’re after the same job at Osborn Chemicals. He won’t intimidate him with so called sci-fi stuff. Harry Osborn arrives, and thinking that Wade is his friend Peter, asks him why he’s hanging with the nerds. Wade, not knowing who Harry is, wants to know what he wants and, for God’s sake, what’s up with his weird hair?!
Harry laughs, thinking Peter of always the kidder. Wade asks Weasel again to repair his teleporter, but he refuses and tells Parker to go play with his roommate. Wade remembers Al saying that he can’t mess up the timestream, so he tags along with Harry. As they are gone, Weasel goes back to his experiment, but then it explodes!
O, the web of fate hath many stands! But don’t fret, o winsome one! We didn’t forget the misadventures of our beloved Blind Al. Behold!
Al, still in May’s guise, drops her clothes in a dresser, and asks Anna to get this over with and tell her where she can put her feet up. Anna suspects that May must be on so much medicine it makes her cranky. She decides to play along. Suddenly, below them, the door gets slammed shut. It’s Mary Jane. She thought Anna might need some help, so she came along checking.
She notices May, and compliments her on the sunglasses and the fact she apparently lost some weight. Anna welcomes her niece, and suggests that May phones her nephew to tell him Mary Jane has arrived. Al picks up the phone, asking for Peter’s number. While she phones, Mary Jane turns on the TV and starts dancing on a music show. Al sighs that Mary Jane seems a little young to already be on crack.
Seconds later, after deft digits dial directly…
No way is Wade doing this: Harry asked him to sharpen the point on his head! Al begs Wade to get out from wherever he is, like, ten minutes ago. Anna’s niece is as dumb as a post, and Al can’t handle that. She asks Wade if he found Weasel yet. Wade informs her about Weasel’s younger self, who actually appears to be much cleaner than the guy they know, but he won’t help him, because he thinks he’s Peter Parker, trying to outwit him at a possible job. Al suggests that Wade gets over if and just bribe him with alcohol like he always does. Wade doesn’t think that it’s going to work in this timeline, as Weasel is a total square her… oh, God, Wade is starting to sound just like Harry! He’s begs Al to help, as he’s frightened.
The doorbell rings and Harry, thinking it might be a girl, goes to open it. Wade promises Al to come get her as soon as he can. As he notices Harry opening the door, Wade notices that there actually exist two people with that hair: it’s Harry’s dad, Norman! Norman says hi to his son first, and then shakes hands with Peter, impressed that he’s attending school with a science scholarship. Wade shakes hands, and has to do his upmost best not to make any jokes about Osborn’s hair, as Peter would obviously never do that.
Instead, Wade just compliments Norman on the fine head. He laughs, though not understanding the joke. He hopes that he’ll keep up with Peter once he comes applying for a job at his plant. He apologizes to Harry, but has to leave now as he’s got a business meeting at the coast and his plane leaves in an hour, so he has to leave. Harry understands, and asks Peter where they are headed. Wade tells Harry he needs some time alone, but not getting the hint, Harry tags along anyway.
Later, back at the school lunch hall…
Weasel walks alone through the cafeteria, upset that Parker apparently messed with his experiment. Wade and Harry walk up on Hammer, wanting to talk. Wade apologizes for the mess he caused, but he needs Jack’s help. Jack tells Peter to go away, and Harry wants to know why they’re hanging with the square. Suddenly, a female voice asks the three gentlemen if they are coming to her party tonight.
Bet you thought we forgot about E.S.U’s most eligible bachelorette, didn’t you? For shame!
Gwen mentions that her party is actually for Flash, who soon takes off to join the Army and she wants to know how many Cokes she has to put aside. Flash jokes that depends on the one that’s going to take his place with her. Gwen jokes that, apparently, she’s up for grabs then. Weasel is glad to hear that. Wade too, and jokes that he’s ready with his grabbin’ gloves. Gwen says hi to Peter and Harry, the Dapper duo.
Weasel hopes that Gwen won’t address him directly. She notices Jack and asks how he is. Weasel is speechless. Wade cuts in, apologizing in Weasel’s name, as he’s got hormones. He compliments Gwen on her nice dress. She thanks Peter. Wade jokes that the dress would actually look even better once it lies next to his bed. Gwen asks the boys if they are coming to her party, and if they are going to bring Mary Jane with them, as with her it’s going swing. Hearing that, Wade thinks that Gwen must be into the trapeze.
Wade thinks that being Peter Parker doesn’t sound so bad anymore after all. And since it sounds like that Mary Jane is a loose goose, it might be fun. He asks Gwen if Jack can tag along, as, if there’s anyone in need of a party, it’s him. That’s fine by Gwen, and asks Jack if he’s going to bring a date. Hesitant, Jack mentions he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Harry cuts in, correcting Jack of Hearts that romance will cut in pretty soon now. Wade wonders if he disembowels Harry but hooks that hair of his up to life support, would anyone really notice? Probably not. Consider it done.
Gwen tells Jack that, if he does find some girl, he can bring her along. Jack corrects that there’s nobody for him, but has to go as he’s got to get ready, as there’s only six hours before the party. Gwen leaves too, and says goodbye to Peter. Wade asks Weasel now that he fixed him up to the party if he can fix his teleporter now. Jack doesn’t want to, as he’s trying to match his clothes in his head, as its got to be perfect. Wade thinks he got himself into even a bigger mess, suspecting that Weasel’s going to get himself so caught up into that Gwen broad, he’s going to vomit the moment he’s with her and be too sick to help him out. Wade thinks he better keeps an eye on Weasel, because, if they don’t make it to midnight, he’ll be stuck in this timeline forever!
Just in case you thought Jazzy John forgot how to draw Spidey, here’s the web-head swinging across the plains of far-off Bayonne…
Spidey has been web-slinging across town for the entire day, but hasn’t found a single clue about a possible crime, nor has his spider-sense gone off. He suspects that somebody might be pulling a prank on him. But fearing that something might happen the moment he’s gone, Peter decides to swing a few more times across town before going to Gwen’s party.
Did you ever get the feeling that plot threads were coming together? Read on!
Meanwhile, that kinky Kraven the Hunter continues his hunt for Osborn at his Westchester mansion. But to no avail…
Kraven has defeated all of Osborn’s house staff, and orders them they can warn their boss he was there, and takes off. The butler reaches towards the phone, deciding he must contact his master, Mr. Osborn.
Back in the city, as time ticks away for our temporally-tossed anti-hero…
Harry thinks that they must be doing something right, as between his Gwen and Peter’s Mary Jane, they’ve really got it made. While trying to put on a tie, Wade asks Harry to be quiet, as he’s trying to make a Windsor. To himself, he tries not to forget he’s got to get Weasel drunk, have a couple of yuks, then spring the belt on him. Weasel does the do, Wade grabs Al and they’ll be home by midnight. He thinks he’s got everything covered.
Everything, Deadpool? Will the real Aunt May please regain consciousness?!
May wakes up, thinking she must have had another of her spells, as she doesn’t remember a thing. She hopes Peter isn’t too worried about her. May tries to get up, but then a spooky doll, made by Wade, drops out of the ceiling! It has a card, which reads, “Boo,” and May freaks out, fainting again!
Back at Peter Parker’s and Harry Osborn’s apartment…
A knock on the door. Wade goes to open it. He laughs. He thought Peter was a fashion plate with a closet full of nothing but blue suits but, upon seeing what Weasel wears, this cuts the deal! He wishes that he got a camera, and wonders if they invented Polaroids yet. Weasel, in a silly green suit with butterfly tie, thinks he looks sharp, mentioning he’s wearing his brother’s confirmation suit. Wade, trying not to make a joke about it, suggests that they just go.
Attention, Spido-Philes, Dead-Heads and Poi-people: in case you were wondering when we were going to get on with some head-busting, don’t lose your cool! It’s all going to dovetail and turn into a symphony of action any second. At least, that’s how we planned it.
Wade asks Jack how he’s doing back in their car, the hyperventilating stop yet? He suggests that if Jack’s still nervous, they could pick up some, uh, social lubricant for the ride. Jack thanks Peter, as that bag of him really helped. Harry stops driving, as he notices Gwen. Gwen, in a colorful, beautiful dress, jokes she’s seeing her three gallant knights on their speeding steed. Harry smirks that if he had known Gwen would be looking like that, he would have come sooner. Gwen wants to know what Harry thought she’d look like: Yogi Bear?
Weasel is speechless. Wade was actually hoping Gwen would look like the bare part but, if she knows yoga too, that’s a plus in his book! Gwen jokingly tells Peter to bite his tongue. Wade smirks he would rather bite something else. As they continue to drive away, Harry wonders if Peter knows how bad he’s got it. Wade himself remembers that back in the present, woman is always spelled like t-r-o-u-b-l-e. At least in his book. Whether it’s Terry the Saint or Mary the whatever, it just sucks to him. At the back, Weasel has brought up enough courage and thanks Gwen for inviting him to the party and tells her she looks great. Gwen asks Jack if he said something.
Harry jokes that Jack is just practicing his Pythagorean theorems. He pulls over, as they notice Mary Jane waiting for them. Wade steps out and is amazed by how beautiful MJ looks. He wonders if anyone might be up for strip-checkers. MJ thanks Harry for the ride, but she doesn’t actually need a car: where there’s a party, she’ll just fly over! Wade notices that his joke was odd, and that MJ really seems to be dumb as a post, like Al claimed. He thinks he’s gonna get lucky tonight!
And now, to prove this really isn’t our version of Peyton Place, we’re going to skip the further entire ride to the Soda parlor, and deliver you back to the present, where…
The Lightning Rods and Weasel get busted by the police! Mr. Immortal tries to explain that they don’t want any trouble, and even promise they’ll leave once they retrieved their friends. But the cops and the aquarium owners are so upset at the so-called heroes; they don’t believe them. Immortal promises their attorney will address their claims, once their pending cases in Detroit are settled.
Weasel doesn’t feel good, and Flatman notices. He asks the guy what’s wrong. Weasel mentions that the fate of all times is in their hands, and Flatman’s boss is taking flak from a guy in a bird suit! This must be the stupidest day in Weasel’s life, and he thinks he’s going to cry. Flatman cheers up that this is all just a big mix-up and is certain they won’t get up arrested. He suggests giving Weasel a massage.
Back to the past…
Wade and the others arrive at the party. Harry and the others congratulate Gwen on how magnificent the decorations look and, a few moments later, everyone has gotten completely into the festivities. Flash walks up on Gwen, thanking her for the party, and jokes she must think he’s going to win the war single-handedly. Gwen tells Flash to just think of the jungle as one big football field, and he’ll do just fine. Wade ignores Mary Jane’s invitation to dance with her, and notices that Weasel is getting loose, as he keeps staring at Gwen.
He walks over to Jack, and asks the guy if he is now ready to help him fix the teleporter. Jack thanks Peter for all his help, as he’s already helped get him the one thing he wanted in life: to be at a party with Gwen and spend time with her. Even though love is love, Jack won’t help Peter until the Osborn job is cleared up, and he agrees to back out. Wade swears that, once he gets back to the future, he’s going to kick Weasel’s butt for this.
Mary Jane again asks Peter to dance with her, but he doesn’t want to. Jack walks over to Gwen, and she agrees to dance with him. The entire crowd is awed, and Wade mentions he has never seen Weasel this happy before in his entire life. As a completely unselfish act, he’ll even make sure Jack and Gwen end up together. Though it might mean that he’ll have to kick Flash and Harry’s heads over it. Wade has a better idea, and thinks he might even convince Harry to give Jack a job, as his father owns that plant he wants to work in so badly.
Suddenly, Kraven the Hunter bursts through the wall! He orders everyone not to move, if they value their lives, and demands that Norman Osborn’s son steps forward to him. Kraven sniffs around, and mentions that he always knew Osborn had a son, and smells him on Harry and grabs the boy. Gwen panics, and Wade thinks he’ll never get the chance to convince Harry to give Weasel a job if Nature Boy gets his hands on him. He notices a chance to escape, and doesn’t think anyone will miss a geek like Peter Parker.
Kraven grabs Harry, who tries hitting the villain, but he doesn’t even seem to feel it: it’s like hitting an elephant! Deadpool, standing triumphantly on a nearby construction site, jokes that he must be facing… the Lion King! Hakuna Matata, Simba! Kraven tries to recognize Wade’s voice, but fails to. Wade jokes that was just his way of trying to say that Kraven has to let the weird hair guy go. Kraven thinks he’s facing just another do-gooder, and shouts at Wade to get along, as this is none of his business. Wade jokes that it is his business, or else he won’t be helped.
Kraven can’t believe someone actually dares mouthing off to a member of the Kravinoff family, and starts attacking. Wade smirks that Kraven just thinks that because he spend too much time talking to animals who can’t talk, but he thinks if they could, something witty would come out.
Kraven swears that he’ll kill Deadpool for this. Wade doesn’t really want that… perhaps just a death lease, he’s kind of a commitment-phobic. He jumps down from the site, and kicks Kraven in his face! And that was hardly Wade’s final insult! For example, he wonders, has anyone ever pointed out to the Hunter that “Craven” means “faint-hearted”? Pusillanimous? It’s not exactly the sort of nom de guerre that strikes fear in the hearts of most men. Note: “Deadpool” has the word “Dead” in it, so… SCARY!
Below the fighters, Harry has noticed that the Deadpool guy rescued him. Flash thinks that despite it seems that Kraven is having a hard time, they better get Harry out of here. Harry thanks his friends for the help, but Gwen says it’s nothing. Weasel tries to get Gwen’s attention back and even asks her to phone him, but she gives her cares to Harry and completely ignores Jack.
Wade continues to give Kraven more examples of people who have the “Dead” part in their codenames: Deathlok, Deathtrap (that jerk), even Doctor Doom sounds scarier than Kraven! Wade mentions that he’s on a schedule here and wants to finish this nonsense. He goes to hang on a pole and Kraven jumps at him, but misses and falls down! Wade waves Kraven goodbye, not noticing that the Hunter is setting his trap, and waving his grappling hook around another site.
At that very moment, in answer to his butler’s summons, a puzzled Norman Osborn hails a cab at the Kennedy Airport…
Norman orders the cab driver to speed on it, and, if he can get him in Westchester within the hour, he’ll double the prize. That’s good enough for the driver, who mentions to Norman it’s a good thing they won’t have to pass through midtown, as the radio has been blurring something about Kraven the Hunter attacking that place. Upon hearing Kraven’s name, Norman has second thoughts and wants to get there as close as possible. The driver warns that the police have probably blocked traffic there, but Norman claims he’ll triple the payment if the driver does it anyway. That’s good enough for the man, and they depart.
As the cab careens onto the Grand Central parkway…
Kraven jumps back on the site backwards, and kicks Wade down, proud that he isn’t as foolish as Wade thought. Wade, falling on, thinks he stands corrected, that is if Kraven wouldn’t have that long hairdo on the back on his costume. Wade grabs onto it, and swings himself back into safety. Wade also hopes that Kraven’s medicals paid up, because he’s about to give him a bad case of lead poisoning!
Deadpool starts shooting but, since Kraven has the reflexes of a cheetah, he can easily dodge the bullets. He decides to use the new deadly rays he installed into his vest, and they hit Wade! They paralyze him. Kraven mentions it’ll only be for a brief moment, but that’s long enough for him to pound Wade until he’s destroyed! Kraven keeps hitting and hitting Wade, and even though he starts mumbling things about Tooti and Jo, who’re hanging out in the van, he still doesn’t give up.
But suddenly, the jungle-bred senses of the deadly hunter perceive yet another victim…
Kraven notices a cab arriving, and that Norman Osborn steps out! Ignoring Wade, he pulls out a cord and grabs Norman! Even though the Green Goblin is dead, Kraven still intends to collect the money he earned. Norman, not understanding what either a Goblin is or what Kraven is talking about, is confused.
Wade’s healing factor manages to wear of the ray’s effect, and timestream or not, Deadpool swears that this little escapade will be Kraven’s last hunt!
Kraven starts to shake the truth out of Osborn about the money, but Norman still doesn’t know what Kraven is talking about. Kraven smells that Osborn isn’t lying and he doesn’t seem to remember a thing, but his jungle senses can’t be lying. Suddenly, a song is heard. “Wade, Wade. Wade of the jungle, strong as he can be… AAAAH! Watch out for that… knee!”
Wade triumphantly jumps down to Kraven, and kicks him in the face! Kraven loses his balance, but hereby also drops Osborn! Wade admits he can’t interfere than he already has, but notices Osborn falling. He shouts at the man not to give up: it isn’t any magic: he just has to flap his ears and he can fly!
Wade guesses that Norman never saw that cartoon. He grabs Kraven’s cord, and swings to Norman’s side, catching the man in time thus saving his life! Norman thanks Wade, and wants to know how he can ever repay him. That’s the solution, Wade thinks: he asks Norman if he knows a guy named Jack Hammer. Norman does, as the man is alongside Peter Parker the top candidate for a job at his factory. Wade mentions that there’s something Norman should know about Hammer’s… habits…
Meanwhile, in a nearby alley, the REAL Peter Parker quickly changes back into his civilian skivvies…
Peter just barely made it back in time for the party, and hopes that there is some punch left. Hey, are those sirens he hears?
That very instant at the scene of the hubbub, bub…
Harry goes over to his father, and helps him back up onto his feet. Norman thinks that Deadpool guy is a true American hero. Jack thanks the heavens Norman is alright, and asks if he should go get anything to help him. Norman apologizes and tells Jack that, if he really wants to help him, he first should help himself. Confused, Jack asks Norman what he means. Norman claims he knows all about Jack’s addiction problem, but tells him it’s nothing to be ashamed about. As long as he gets some help and talks about it to his parents.
The kids talk about how cool the battle was, and at that very moment the real Peter arrives on the scene, apologizing for missing it. Flash thinks he must have been hiding again but, despite that, he thinks Peter is alright and will miss him when he’s in the Army. They even shake hands. Gwen mentions that Kraven was there, which worries Peter. It almost sounds like a clone of him was fighting instead of him, but that’s just crazy talk.
At the same time, a disappointed Jack tries to figure out what went wrong tonight: at the party he was the top man, but now he’s a loser again, who doesn’t even have Gwen anymore, and the most successful business man in town thinks he’s a junkie! Why?! He walks into an alley, where Deadpool says hi to him. He quickly changes back into his Peter Parker guise, and asks what’s wrong, claiming he didn’t see anything after his retreat. Jack explains what happened, which Wade understands: but he has a solution. During his retreat, he went to pick up a bottle of alcohol, and claims that he always drinks when he feels down.
Jack doesn’t drink any alcohol, but… what a coincidence, so doesn’t Wade! They open the bottle, and Jack drinks first. He never drank alcohol before, but thinks it’s taste goods, even though he can’t feel his tongue any more. Wade jokes that’s a good sign, and mentions he’ll teach Weasel a fun game, which involves quarters! Now that’s sophistication! He sarcastically points out his teleporter. Wade mentions to Weasel that when he looks at a guy like him, a perfect job comes in mind: freelance fabricator of malevolent combustibles! A drunken Weasel asks if that’s a civil servant job, and they walk away together.
11:40 PM… Present Standard Time…
Bertha changes back into her “big” size, but the cops think she’s going to blow and order the other civilians to run into safety! The crowd takes off, with Mr. Immortal desperately trying to make them understand they are the heroes and saved the day, but nobody listens and just runs. Flatman notices Doorman’s condition getting worse. He tries to hang on, but everything is starting to turn black. Weasel suddenly has a déjà-vu feeling.
Looking at the Lightning Rods, he can’t help but getting these images of a guy named Peter Parker, who even though he was a nobody and never said more than two words to him, Weasel thinks that the guy had a greater impact on his life than he ever suspected. It’s funny, though, Weasel went to the guy in college and hasn’t thought about him in years. Flatman thinks it isn’t that weird and that, when someone takes a moment to meditate, these things happen. Weasel ignoring Flatman’s science explanation, mentions he was just trying to start a conversation.
Forest Hills, back in the time we were just in…
Anna tells May she knows how hard it can be getting into new surroundings but, now that May is in her new blue pajama’, she must feel better. Al claims that if she’s looking as bad as she thinks she’s looking, Anna better has a good lock on her bedroom door. She thinks she’s wearing flannel… Great… now she’s going to get hives! Anna tells May to sleep for as long as she needs, she’ll be there for her.
Al shouts to just close the door, and Anna does. Al sighs, thinking this is what it must feel like to be senile: flannel bloomers, pineapple boats and lame television. It’s more horrific than she imagined it would be. It’s funny. Al has been a prisoner of Wade for years, and suffered all kinds of indignity, but never thought that death would be a solution to end her problems.
Suddenly, someone knocks on the window: Al is thrilled to find out it’s Deadpool! He has brought the real, still-unconscious May with him, and suggests they do a quick trade and get out of there. Al quickly gets out of her ridiculous clothes, making Wade cover his eyes, as some of them aren’t blind! After the change, Wade asks Al, who’s happy to be free of Anna again, what she thinks is going to happen to the real May. Al thinks she’s going to love it there, as it seems May is one of those women who worries so much. She wants to know what Wade did to Weasel. He claims he just went on with Al’s plan and got the guy drunk, and promises he didn’t do anything to interfere with the timestream.
Elsewhere…
John and Virginia Hammer sacredly go to answer the door. Jack’s father fears it’s the police, but his mom believes otherwise and knows her boy is a very responsible young man. As they open the door… they find Jack… completely drunk! John is freaked out to see Jack this way, who corrects his father that the tag from now on reads… Weasel! He starts to sing, until eventually fainting in front of his parent’s door.
Meanwhile,… Oh! You know where we are by now!
Five minutes left until countdown. Weasel hopes that, if Wade stayed put like told, they’ll be golden to go if Wade activated his teleporter. Doorman hopes the plan will work, and activates his powers. In the past, a portal opens. Al hangs up onto Wade’s back, and they jump through it. After a few moments… Heeee’re’s Johnny! Deadpool and Blind Al are finally back into the proper timeline!
Doorman still feels a little sick, and… barfs everyone under! He’s okay again. Weasel happily greets Wade, who can’t believe he’s seeing the guy again. Weasel asks who the old fossil is, and Al introduces her as Blind Al, the woman he’s always been yappin’ about. Mr. Immortal wants to thank Weasel for his help and shake hands. Weasel is speechless, so Wade cuts in. He tells the Lightning Rods they are actual jokes, and hopes they’ll never meet again. He takes Weasel and Al along, wanting to hit the road. Weasel wants to know what the hurry is. Wade claims there’s no hurry… well, maybe a little, but he’ll explain it along the way *snicker*.
The Lightning Rods watch Deadpool and co leave, until Mr. Immortal notices something… Deadpool has placed a time bomb onto his arm! And then, it explodes!
- CONCLUSION -
The Watcher closes his viewing screens after seeing the explosion. He remembers that, in the majestic history of the universe, there are crux points. Gravid moments in time-space where the tapestry of the universe threatens to unravel things. Moments where, for example, a sociopath miscreant goes back in time and mucks into the life of one of the Earth’s greatest heroes.
Sometimes, mercifully, the universe passes through these crux points relatively unscathed. And cosmic begins all… unclench… a collective sigh of relief. Uatu goes to sit into his big chair, and sighs, glad that it’s over.
- THE END! -
